trash star - punznap

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her hand slides down just a little lower, and he knows that there's no turning back now. she moves closer, as if that was even possible. her tongue is aggressive, hungry for more. it's starting to get sloppy, but she doesn't seem to mind.

nick feels those nails trailing his skin, running across his chest until he gets goosebumps. but his muscles are tensing up, and that yearning that should've come creeping by now is nowhere to be found.

her eyes are half-lidded, clouded with lust. silky strands of hair tickle him. she sits with her legs on either side of his body, trapping him in place. below her collarbone is a small dove tattoo that he never noticed before. his gaze remains glued to it, because no matter how hard he tries he can't meet hers. his heart is racing too fast.

the arms that should be wrapping around her lay limp against the mattress instead. it's like he's paralyzed. sadie grabs his hand, placing it on her waist to guide him along. his fingers graze the clasps of her bra before they stiffen, and his breath gets caught in his throat.

warm, wet lips try to work with his, but they're stiff too. he can't breathe. he needs to breathe.

with the lightest push he gets sadie to back off. she opens her eyes and tilts her head to the side, understandably confused.

"is everything alright?"

he tries to speak, but no words come out. instead a lump starts to form in his throat. he chokes on it trying to explain himself. it's so pathetic.

"hey, hey, nick, what the hell is going on?"

sadie climbs off of him, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. their shirts lay in careless piles on the floor. she reaches for hers without hesitation, knowing that this won't go further.

nick feels ashamed. he feels like a failure. he just followed her home to disappoint her. she's never gonna wanna speak to him again. it's all fucked up now. he has to hold back his tears so he doesn't embarrass himself even more.

"i'm serious, what's wrong?" sadie pushes, her voice getting softer, "we don't have to do anything, we can just hang out if you want to."

still no response. he sits up, hunching over and crossing his arms to cover his torso. he feels way too exposed. his brain wants him to run, to just get out of bed and book it, but his body doesn't listen. he stares at the little flower patterns on the sheets, getting lost in their intricacy to calm himself down.

sadie gets fully dressed before approaching him again. her demeanor is loving and kind, even more so than usual. she wouldn't want to scare nick now that he's already vulnerable.

she sits down right next to him, placing a careful hand on his shoulder. he could cry at any moment.

"you know you can tell me anything, right? i'm here, no matter what it is that's bothering you," she hums, "if you want we could go to dairy queen and get something now, or-"

"i think i'm gay," he blurts out.

her expression mildens. a thumb caresses his skin, soothing him as best it can. the silence in the room is nerve wracking until sadie breaks it with a sigh.

"thank you for telling me."

"i'm sorry, f-for leading you on-"

"it's okay," she interrupts, "it's okay. it wasn't intentional."

she smiles, but nick can tell that it's fake. she's hurt. he's ruined everything. he should've kept quiet. why did he have to be an idiot and blurt that out? he can't wait until the whole school knows, until the rumors start spreading like wildfire and no one wants to come near him anymore.

just the thought of it makes his heart ache and his mouth dry up. the tears that he managed to hold back before start to flood his cheeks.

"hey, sweetheart.." sadie coos, "c'mere."

she embraces him tightly, running her slender fingers through his hair. he tries his best to stop crying, to man up, but he's too far gone. all his dignity is lost; the beaker has been shattered and it's spilled everywhere. sadie has already caught a glimpse of his weaknesses, of what an absolute waste of space he is, so what does it even matter now?

"it's okay, you're okay.."

it feels like she's lying. the way she rubs his back, pets his hair, holds him closer when he sobs. it feels fake, yet nick chooses to listen to her calming words and her curious questions.

"what makes you think that?"

yeah, what does? what could possibly make him think that he's gay? it couldn't be the biggest asshole in school, the guy with the gorgeous blond hair and the sky blue eyes, the guy that everyone is crushing on. it couldn't be him.

"i-i don't know," he snivels.

"is there someone that you like?"

it couldn't be that every time the blond boy gets close to him, the butterflies inside him run wild. that every time luke touches him, he melts. it couldn't be that nick is addicted to him, to his cocky attitude, to his body, his lips, his voice, those fucking eyes. it just couldn't.

despite everything, he nods. he gives in and he nods, so subtly that he's unsure of whether sadie will notice it or not.

"there is?"

she pulls away from the hug, her hands still resting on his shoulders. he nods again.

"do you want to tell me about him?" she wonders, a small smile growing on her lips.

he wipes away his tears, even though it's pointless. his chest is still tight, but he manages to push out his answer regardless.

"you wouldn't understand."

she doesn't seem to take offense to that. he's relieved. no matter how kind and trustworthy sadie is, she can't know. no one can know.

"again, thank you for telling me. it means a lot," she assures him.

he just hums, shoving his hands into his pockets. what he doesn't expect is to find something stuffed in there. it feels a little rough, like braided fibers.

at the realization he pulls the bracelet out, inspecting it thoroughly. sadie gasps, sitting up straight and yanking it from his grip.

"oh my god!" she exclaims, excitement lacing her voice, "i thought i'd lost it forever!"

"yeah, s-sorry, i forgot to give it back to you," nick mumbles.

"where'd you find it?"

the answer is simple, yet he trips on his words. just thinking about the events of that night almost makes him sick to his stomach. the stench of sweat, the wrinkled sheets...

"it was on the floor, in the living room," he lies, "i found it when i woke up. you'd already left."

he feels so ashamed when she puts it back on her wrist. the guilt consumes him, makes him quiet again.

"you're an angel," she giggles.

but nick doesn't feel like an angel. he feels like a liar. a fraud. he led her on. it doesn't matter if she forgives him. he's sitting on her bed and his shirt is on the floor. he messed with her head.

and it's all because he can't get the blondie out of his own.

"i'm sorry," he whispers again.

°. •. 。