The Life We Had | Gay BxB |

77. No Turning Back

"...I know."

His words were quiet, and he continued coloring his name without elaborating on it.

"Oh..." I mumbled. I didn't know what else to say. I wasn't sure if he knew either, but soon, I could hear him taking a deeper breath.

"That accident at the hill... It wasn't an accident," he spoke quietly. "I knew that."

"Yeah..." I nodded.

I heard a quiet klick and assumed Troy was putting his marker away. Part of me was surprised when I felt him lay down right behind me, putting his arm around me.

"I'm glad you failed," he said softly, hugging me. "I don't know much about what's going on, but I want you to know that I'm so damn glad you survived."

I had to blink a few times, so I wouldn't just burst out in tears. It was really close, but I didn't tell him about my suicide attempt just to bawl my eyes out. I wanted to tell him about everything. I had kept it all inside me for so long, pretending I was fine and acting like I didn't need any help, but the truth was, I did need help. I didn't want to be this person. I didn't want to be the ice cold Luke Frost anymore.

I started with the nightmares. I told him all about how difficult it used to be for me to even think about lying down, especially as a kid. The nightmares were vivid and horrifying, and I used to hate sleeping so much that I forced myself to stay awake. I still hadn't gotten rid of some of the habits I'd developed over the years. I still got out of bed just to check if the window was closed or if Bella had enough water or if I had done all my homework. And then I double checked it all. Just to stay awake.

Then I told him about migraines. That I was so deadly afraid every single time my eye twitched, or a small part of my skin started tingling or go numb, or when I could see tiny flickering lights when there wasn't any – there were more, and if any of those happened it usually meant I'd be in a world of pain thirty minutes later. I admitted to him I practically ran to take my meds every time it happened, even when the symptoms didn't get any worse, meaning I most likely wasn't going to have a migraine after all. The pain was just too much. It always left me weak and helpless and in so much pain I couldn't eat anything for the rest of the day, even though I needed food because I often ended up throwing up everything during the worst part.

I talked briefly about the other problems, my bad eyesight and anemia and getting so easily sick and everything. How I sometimes faked I was well even though I was about to faint.

And then... I told him about that day when I couldn't handle it anymore. I told him I truly believed God wanted me dead. I told him about me flying off the cliff and crashing on the ground so far below it should have killed me. I told him about cursing the sky above me. Begging to know why I wasn't dead yet.

"Because you weren't supposed to die," Troy said with a heavy voice, when I stopped speaking. He hugged me tighter, and I felt his lips brushing my cheek. "That is what He was trying to tell you."

I slowly turned on my back to see his face. He pushed himself up on his elbow and looked down at me with the most gentle smile I had ever seen. His eyes were gleaming with tears he was holding back. He brushed his hand through my hair and left it on my neck.

"Ugh, I wasn't supposed to sound so pathetic..." I muttered out of pure instinct.

"Stop doing that," he said quietly, and kissed my lips. "Stop being so mean to yourself. Would you call me or anyone else pathetic after telling you the same you just told me?"

"I'm not being mean–"

"Yes, you are. You keep calling yourself bad names and beating yourself up for no reason," he spoke sternly. "I hate it. I want to stop you every time you do it, but I don't know how since I can't physically get between you and you – the bully and the victim. You hate yourself for being weak, but newsflash, we're all weak and if you're worried about your body growing more fragile, I have more bad news for you: it only gets worse when we get older. No one is perfect and no one will survive this world without getting banged up a little, but that doesn't mean you're somehow lower than the next person!"