38. Breaking the Ice

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-Luke-

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-Luke-


I really wished I wasn't staring too much. We were in my room, sitting side by side on my couch, playing games that were "as old as Heaven" like Troy pointed out. I guess it was fun to play, but to me it had always been a waste of time. Of course, as long as Troy was there, it wasn't a waste of time at all.

"You died," Troy muttered, and I forced myself to look away from him.

It was hard not to stare at him. It was just so weird and amazing that he was there. I had never had the opportunity to spend time with him without someone else tagging along. I knew it was making him uncomfortable, and I tried my best to concentrate on the game, but I was failing miserably.

"Sorry..." I sighed and put the control away. "I'm really bad at this."

"You're not focusing," Troy said, avoiding my eyes.

"Well, it's not that easy," I spoke quietly.

I knew it wasn't going well. Troy probably regretted staying with me. I tried to think of something to say to break the thick ice, but I wasn't good with people. My head wasn't working properly either – all I could think of was how I was wasting my chance, ruining it for good long before Friday.

"Okay – let's talk," Troy said suddenly and stood up, only to sit down again so that he was now facing me, leaning his side against the backrest. "So, you have a crush on me," he said matter-of-factly.

"Y-yes," I said hesitantly.

"And it started over a year ago," Troy nodded, and I felt the need to explain.

"It wasn't like love at first sight, but, yeah... I started falling for you, but it took me a long time to understand it," I told him.

Troy nodded slowly and fell silent for a moment, like he was thinking about something. Then he took a deep breath, and spoke quietly, "I don't know if I'm gay. I have never been into guys, but I haven't thought about relationships in general either. I'm..." he trailed off and looked at me shyly.

"What?" I asked cautiously.

"I never meant to hurt you, and I'm afraid that I'll end up hurting you even more," he said.

"I know that already, and don't worry about it," I said, trying to think of something to convince him I was willing to take that risk. "I'll be fine. I'm just happy that you even consider going out with me." Troy didn't say anything, and it made me fear he had changed his mind already. "A-are you still considering...?"

"Yes," Troy said hastily, "I am... I mean... Yeah..." he added with a mutter.

"You don't sound sure," I noted in sadness.

"That's because I'm an utter mess and don't know what's going on in my own head right now," Troy chuckled lightly and looked down at his lap. "You thought I came here to cancel our date, and it made me feel sad. I don't want to cancel it. I'm really nervous about it, and I have no idea what is the right thing to do, but I don't want to cancel it. I just don't know if I'm gay or bi or whatever."

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