Keep quiet

California

(To him)
All I want is him.
And him only.
I want him here.
Here with me.
Stupid fuckin California.
I want to see you.
I've been craving the feeling.
The feeling of having you here.
Just to see you.
To here your voice.
That's all I want.
Have you even thought about it?
Thought about coming down here,
To see me?
I think about it every day.
I want to know who you are.
I want to know I you.
I want you to hug me.
I don't think you even think about it.
On your account you say you do.
But, where are you?
You usually do whatever you want.
Your old enough to drive,
Or at least your friend is,
And my friend would love,
To see your friend.
And it's spring break.
I need you with me.
Please tell me you care.
I don't feel like you do.
I know it's a long drive.
21 hours.
And I shouldn't expect you to,
Want to drive that far and long.
I'm sorry that I want you to.
I would've gone to see you,
If my parents would let me go.
But they're overly protective.
And I can't go anywhere.

(To my mother)
Not even outside for a walk.
Because.
"I'm going to get taken"
Or
"Raped"
Or
"Killed"
Like why,
Do you put these thoughts,
Into my head.
Sometimes I wish.
I wish I lived with my dad.
Because then.
Then things would be different.
And you ask me why I cut.
These are the reasons.
You always
Put bad thoughts into my head.
My father always wanted me.
To grow up strong and independent.
But you mother
Is always bringing me down.
I try to look at the good side.
But you search deeper and deeper.
For something and make it bad.
Why?
Why?
Why?
And you ask why I hate you.
Maybe if you loosed up.
I wouldn't.
And then when I tell you to.
You always talk about.
How "you love me."
And
"Don't want anything to happen to me."
It's more likely to find me dead.
At home.
With slot wrists.
And a rope around my neck.
Then you ever would.
To fine me.
Dead in a ditch.
Raped.
Murdered.
Stolen.
My question is.
Why won't you let me have fun?
Just for once.