I was an addict but I never thought I would get addicted to you, but as soon as our eyes meet I was stuck, blinded by your beauty.
I knew life would end with you.
Trigger warnings
Drug-, alcohol abuse, overdose, suic!de, self harm, body image
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Chapter 10 ~
What is a human without desire- a machine that works without a goal. My only goal was to drown my thirst with overwhelming amount of pleasure that only made the desires grow. My body was in a constant search for more.
The drugs was one thing and the sex another, both so incredibly unhealthy, but who was I without it? Both our minds set in a goal we drifting though her house in her room. The simple escape.
As her lips travel on my skin I knew I was not going to build up my walls again. She wanted my whole and I would give her it all. Then it would be her decision if she wanted me or not.
The music was playing quietly in the background as the red light drowned us. My skin was exposed under her as she made my head dizzy.
If only life was this I could take it. But even in these moment I still saw life in black and white. The colors had been striped away as soon I had stepped in the world of unknown. I don't know if ever would get that back.
Suddenly the door opened and a ginger boy froze our motions. Billie eyes was locked everywhere except at her brother who had also froze. The music continued like nothing had happened and somehow it made it all worse.
"Get the fuck out," Billie said as her brother while her hands rested on my thighs.
Than he disappeared and I couldn't help but to laugh.
"Shut the fuck up," Billie said quietly but it just made me laugh more. She got up and I hid my exposed skin.
But I saw her eyes land on my broken skin than her eyes meet mine. Her mouth was sealed shut but her eyes spoke so many words.
"It's nothing," I said.
"That's not nothing," she replied.
An anger washed over me. Because I would always be what I was running from and by marking myself I would always be that. They only saw that, the lines I had drawn in my body.
She hid her emotions well but I could see the pain behind her eyes. Could I ever my fully me with her, could I tell her everything? I didn't want to cause her pain but it seemed that I did without trying.
"Its fine Billie," I whispered as I took her hand in mine.
"Is it thought?" She asked.
I wanted to escape. This day had been to much and I needed to rest, needed what I couldn't have. Maybe I was only the drugs, scares and the lies. Why did I run from it then? Why did I pretend to be something I wasn't going to achieve, why was I trying so hard to keep myself from falling?
But there she say In front of me and all I wanted to be was someone else, someone easy. A simple life with simple wishes.
"No but it will be," I looked deep into her eyes as the lie was spoken. I wanted to trust it but I knew it would never happen. But if she believed it maybe I could.
We sat there as the time went on, our mouths shut as our minds spoke their own words. Than she let go of my hand with a little smile.
"Imma be right back, I just need to tell Finneas to shut his loud ass mouth," she disappeared and I sat in her room alone.
I'm going to try harder. I can't keep fucking everything up. The scars was healed and I wouldn't keep opening them. They would stay white as I would repaint the world, make it more than blacks be white.
She came back and I felt tears starting to fall. She quickly wrapped me in a hug and I let myself be vulnerable.
"Hey, you're okay," she repeated as she held me tight.
I listened and repeated the words for myself.
"Why are you crying baby," she wiped the tears from my face and I completely broke.
"Tomorrow," I whispered out as I made the promise to let her really know me.
I stayed with her and watched the sky's light go away as the shadow grew darker. I fell asleep in her bed whishing for a better tomorrow.
