I was an addict but I never thought I would get addicted to you, but as soon as our eyes meet I was stuck, blinded by your beauty.
I knew life would end with you.
Trigger warnings
Drug-, alcohol abuse, overdose, suic!de, self harm, body image
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Chapter 7 ~
This holiday meant you got to dress up to be someone else. Put on a costume and eat some candy. Just for a day yet it is was oddly familiar. My mom hated this holiday, she hated the waste and the money who you put into the plastic just to be the "best house "or "the scariest house" so we never had. But I had always wanted to. To be normal and like everyone else just for a moment.
"There is kinda a party tonight and I really want to go,"
"No,"
Well now what.
"Please mom just this once,"
"Like you haven't been to party's all these months, like hell you aren't going this time," she was so angry and I felt my blood boil.
"Fucking fine," I walked away and she screamed after me.
"If you go to that party you going directly to rehab Samantha!"
I walked the people who was already seated and sat down besides the black haired girl.
"I'm allowed," she looked at me and smiled wide.
"So what's you gonna be?"
"Can't ruin the surprise can I," our eyes locked. "You?"
"Can't ruin the surprise can I," she mocked me and laughed.
Billie. The girl that I had know just for a few weeks and days. I'm obsessed with everything about her, her smile, her laugh, her persona. Everything that made her, her made me so extremely attached to her. I wanted her near, always to be close to her.
She was different from everybody I had meet. Not some stuck up queen bee or some fake nice girl. Even in this class she stuck out. Not only by her looks but by the way she acted and carried herself. She made me feel like I was someone.
"Alright let's start out with page 74 paragraph two, what do we learn after reading about the girl?" The teacher asked the class and I quietly whispered to Billie.
"Have you read?"
"Nah, you?"
"No," I responded and tried making myself invisible for the teacher.
The day went by fairly quickly as I had a something to look forward to. To be where I belong and to fill my body with regrets. Because nothing would matter in that moment expect just the present moments. My past didn't exist as well as my future.
I sat down in the car with the same ginger haired boy in the front seat. Billie was dressed as she usually was but her body was covered in fake tattoos and in her mouth she had some kind of clay on her teeth.
"Billie can you put in my number in Sam's phone," Finneas said as he looked at us in the rearview mirror.
"Why, you gonna take her from me," Billie said as I reached her my phone.
"Nah, but if you blackout somebody gotta call for me right?" Finneas continued and Billie visibly ignored him.
As we drove of Billie was still on my phone and I tried looking over at it but she turned it the other way. "What the duck are you doing?" I asked as I took back my phone and the only thing I could find that was changed was a knew contact and her contact name had changed to 'daddy'.
"Comedian,"
Finneas stopped outside a house with a heavy crowd of people going in and out and we got out. As we said 'bye' the music already was loud enough for us to hear it and it only grew as we got closer.
"Shots?" Billie looked at me.
"Shots,"
My happiness grew as the shots warmed me. I wasn't addicted to the alcohol or even the drugs, but to the silence. The only time I got that was during this times and it was so unbelievably beautiful.
"So what the fuck are you two supposed to be?" Zeth screamed over the music.
"Yeah Sam you look like everyone here what the fuck are you?" Billie added. My brown hair was curled and I wore things that I usually judged people for:
"Hannah baker," I said proudly as I removed the blade from my pocket. Billie gave a chocked laughed and Zeth spitted out the drink he had in his mouth.
"Who are you?" I asked Billie.
"Lil xan" she did a little spin as her proud smile dressed her face.
"Well expect for the tattoos you literally look the same,"
"Bro this took so long, give me some credits,"
"It looks hot,"
That night I was somewhere else. I couldn't appreciate the moment because I knew what had to happen. I had already fell for her and every moment I spent with her dragged me even more down. She was so beautiful, so kind, so unique, so perfect. I was already in the future and I almost didn't feel her hands on my hips as she guided us through the music.
I had to let her go.
"You are so beautiful," Billie whispered and my eyes burned and soon the tears fell down my face.
This was for the best. I didn't deserve her even if she actually could stop the war in my head, make me feel like I had a chance of fighting it. Like I was worth something. But it was unfair to her. I just made it easier because she would also see that. This was easier.
I had learned that nothing would last even how good it was. I knew I was destructive but I couldn't help myself. I can't help myself. Hopeless.
"Can you walk me out?" Her voice was so quiet or it was my head that was to load.
"Do you want me to call Finneas?" I asked the beautiful girl.
"Please," Billies arms was wrapped around me and only let go as his car pulled up.
"Bye Billie," I whispered in her ear as I left her.
