Let me hide

Chapter 15

    The fear of what could happen hits me when I walk back inside. Preston has gone home and I have resided back to my room. I do not even want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to ruin what Preston and I have.

I take another sip from my drink as I ponder what actually just happened. I have no way of backing out of it, I kissed him. Me, not him, I did it and I liked it. I put on my silk pajamas and decide to just take my mind off of the situation.

I watch some Netflix and drink the rest of my beers, It doesn't do any good as the topic of the episode is about a girl not knowing how she feels after a guy kissed her. Is there like someone reading my mind or something, I hate when that happens, it's so creepy.

I shut off the tv and go to the bathroom. A blade catches my attention, I hadn't thought about cutting in over a month. My anxiety gets the best of me and a small cut appears on my thigh. I drop the blade in the sink and watch the blood trickle down my leg.

"Skye, you up here?" I hear Logan yell coming up the stairs. I shut my bathroom door, even though I'm pretty sure my bedroom door is also closed. I throw the blade in the trash and wipe the blood off with a paper towel and put a bandaid over it.

"Skye?" I hear him say with a knock at my door. "We want you to come back and join us, and I want to see you. I'm only back for a few nights" Logan says.

"I'll be out in a minute" I say, holding back tears. I was so selfish, I should be down there with my brothers. Even if I had hatred for Marcus, I still loved my other brothers.

"Are you okay, you sound kinda funny" he asks.

I don't answer, I just take deep breaths. My stomach starts to hurt and my throat feels like it's closing. I hated that this is my life. That this is the way I feel.

"Skye?" Logan questions, his tone clearly coming out as worriedly. I find myself leaving my bathroom and going to my bedroom door. I'm stuck between opening it and curling up in all ball and crying my eyes out.

I take a step back and walk towards my bed until I physically can't anymore. I quickly fall to the ground and cuddle myself up. I had no idea why I was feeling like this, I thought this was over. I hadn't cut in so long, I had started eating more.

"Skye, open the door" Logan says yelling.

The fear of what is going to happen, hovers over me. Soon, I am having a panic attack. Logan kicks in the door, and takes one look at me before running to the hall bathroom window and screaming for Dylan.

Logan runs back in and tries to help me. Yet, he doesn't know what to do. Dylan runs in the room as fast as he can. I know he had been drinking, what was he supposed to do. Adrenaline must of kicked in though, because he sobers up real fast.

"Breathe, you're okay. Find a focal point, focus on something" he says. I reach for his hand and he grabs it as fast as can. When the hyperventilating goes away, my heart still races.

I'm crying like a baby, and my mascara from this morning is probably all down my face at this point. I cry so much, that it makes me sick. Literally. I get up and run to the bathroom, making it just in time. Logan runs in pulling my hair back.

I flush the toilet and sit with my back up against the tub. I know I'm hurting them, more than I'm hurting myself. I knew I had pills in my cabinet. I have never been addicted to pills, but right now, I crave something that will take this away.

I've stopped crying, but now all thats left is pain. I bury my head in my legs. I don't want them to have to see me. I knew what an embarrassment I was, and you have no idea how guilty I feel for ruining yet another one of their parties.

I hear someone leave the bathroom, and then hear the door close. I feel someone who I assume is Dylan sit down beside me and I lay my head on him. I take his hand and wonder what I did to deserve a brother like this.

I'm at my lowest point, my breaking point. I don't know what to do, or how to feel. All I know, is I feel dead, literally. I feel Dylan move my arm so he has a better view of it, but I don't know why.

"I'm really tired, can I get some sleep" I ask.

"Yeah, of course. Do you need anything, I can get you anything you would like" he says.

"No, I'm okay, I just want to go to bed" I say. He helps me up and to my bed. I get in my bed and he leaves to go back to his guests. As soon as I hear the back door close, I run to my bathroom. I grab a random pill bottle and take a couple.

I go to my mini fridge and desperately search for something. I find a couple of mini tequila bottles that I stole from a hotel fridge a while back. I down them in a few seconds and then once again, I'm left with nothing.

Marcus walks in my room, if guilt was a face, it would be his right now. He feels shitty, and I know it.

"I'm sorry" he says, as if an apology would fix this.

"You're sorry? Your a piece of shit, you knew EVERYTHING, and you said NOTHING. I have to live every day like this, because you said nothing. You know what, I don't want you to say anything anymore, because you had your chance, and it's passed. I hurt, every bone in my body feels like it's broken. I'm tired of fighting, but I can't let you help me because when I did actually need your help you were shit. Brothers are meant to be protectors but all you are is a STEAMING PIECE OF DOG SHIT" I can tell I lost him on that last part there, I lost myself in all honesty.

Yet, ultimately he leaves with this head hung low. I know it must have been hard on him, and he had to have been conflicted. Yet, I can't find myself to give him any sympathy, when he didn't give me any.

How can Dylan not know anything? How come none of brothers know shit? They claim that I'm their baby girl, the person that no matter what they will protect. How can they not know? I'm hurt, I'm done fighting, officially.