Let me hide

Chapter 9

     TW: Eating disorder   

       We agreed halfway, so I'm trying. I tell him tidbits about my day and he doesn't clobber me with questions. Marcus leaves me alone, he sees that I'm trying. I bring fruit to school and eat it during lunch. I'm trying, but the more I try, the more attention I get. 

I have started to get my grades up, but I find myself getting easily distracted. Julianna likes to laugh with her friends when I walk by. They're not talking about me but they want me to think that. 

Dylan doesn't watch me as much and praises my accomplishments rather than ignoring them. Yet, when he does it makes me upset that he never did in the past and is only doing it now because 'I'm going through something'. 

Preston doesn't buy the whole eating fruit during lunch. He thinks I'm doing it because he noticed, and Marcus thinks I'm doing it because he noticed. I'm doing it for neither of them, I'm doing it for Dylan. 

I get picked up early today, I have a doctor's appointment. Just the regular check-up, the same one I have twice a year. Yet, every time I find myself nervous. Especially this appointment, he was going to notice my weight loss and comment on how good I'm doing. He doesn't realize I'm not on a diet. 

Before entering the building, the nerves get to me. Dylan gets out but I stay in the car. He notices and peeks in before getting back in. I have to warn him, I don't want to, but I have to. 

"You okay?" He asks confused. 

"He's going to say something that might concern you, it shouldn't, so I feel I need to warn you," I say staring straight out the windshield. 

"Like what?" He questions. 

"I've lost a lot of weight since I've last been here, and we both know I'm not a diet, so I don't want you to be blindsided" I inform him. 

"So, if you're not on a diet, why have you lost a lot of weight?" He asks. 

 I stare. There's not an answer that will suit what he wants to hear. 

"Stress," I say, I have heard stories, stress can cause weight loss and delay periods. 

"Your not stressed because of school are you?" He asks. 

I don't know how to answer this. What was I supposed to say was the source of this stress. 

"It's this stupid dance competition thing at school," I say because in all honesty, we hadn't even picked out a song. "and yeah, school to I guess" thoughts of Julianna made me say that. 

"Okay, well I'm glad you told me. Why don't we go up there before they charge us for being late" He says chuckling. 

*****

The appointment went fine and there's nothing of concern. The doctor didn't even notice my weight loss. Never even thought twice about it. The only thing he was concerned about was my blood pressure. Dylan told him it was stress. 

Dylan offers to take me out to lunch, and I feel after I stupidly told him about my weight loss it would be the right thing to do. We go to a sub shop and order subs and chips. He watches me, so I eat all of it. 

I regret it as soon as I'm done. I excuse myself to the bathroom and I cry. I feel full and I hate that. I feel angry with myself that I ate as much as I did. I stare in the mirror until I no longer recognize the girl looking back at me.

It has to stop, the pain, the hunger, the fighting. It has to stop. I take about another five minutes to wipe the tears and before untimely deciding I look okay, I go back out. Dylan has just finished and is rubbing his stomach. 

"You ready to go?" He asks. 

"Yeah," I answer picking up my trash and throwing it away. 

On the way home I look up 'how to know you have an eating disorder'. There are so many types, how do you know. 

You struggle to eat in front of others. Eating disorders make it difficult to engage with food in a healthy way. That might mean having a hard time eating in public or feeling like you need to hide the food that you're eating.You're losing and gaining weight rapidly. With disordered eating, it's hard for the body to retain the nutrients it needs to maintain a healthy weight. In turn, the fluctuation in weight can be incredibly triggering for people who are already dissatisfied with how their body looks.
You're experiencing body dysmorphia. is defined as an obsession with perceived flaws in your physical appearance. Although it's not present in all types, body dysmorphia is often a key trigger in leading to the development of disordered eating.

Maybe it's okay to get help. Maybe I should speak to someone. I'm okay with not eating, I would be more okay with it if I were happy. 

"Hey, Dylan," I say to get his attention. 

"Yeah" he answers keeping his eyes on the road. 

"I think I want to find a therapist," I say as confidently as I can. 

"If that's what you want, we will find one for you tonight," He says, and for the first time, I feel like I can almost tell him anything.