CRUX

Run if you must.

Have you ever felt the urge to turn liquid or into thin air and disappear,because that's pretty close to what I feel right now.

Don't let anyone fool you,guilt isn't a feeling you can ignore,it's why I still wet my pillows at night and my nightmares cross over to my daydreams,it's why I've spent weekly intervals in solitary confinement,it's why they all steer clear of me.

They know I know something they don't,and that alone intimidates them,it's why my so called cell mates have refused to speak to me since I arrived.

Stacy is currently blowing saliva bubbles through her mouth,and Lydia's reading a stolen book given to her by one of the cell guards,I believe that's the reason everyone calls her a public slut,though she doesn't appear that way to me .On two occasions,we've spoken,and on those two occasions,she did most of the talking,yet she wasn't offended by my silence,even when I purposefully ignored her .She even gave me a book,I only found out after our lunch breaks and I returned to a nice leather covered book on my bed.

Gina hates me for some reason,I would care if I gave two fucks what anyone thought about me,but I care less.

If she knew me,she'd know.

But she doesn't know me,and I relish in that fact. While all these deranged assholes rank me high cause they believe I may be one of those white kids who killed her alcoholic father and set the house ablaze with him in it,I'll relish in my mysterious aura.

If they don't know you,they fear you.

If they know you,they'd break you.

I wish I knew that before.

Funny what an unforgettable experience can open your mind to.

*****************

Ever felt real ecstasy,the raw kind that leaves you begging for release,so powerful your fingers creak and your breath speeds up so fast it's like like you've been possessed,you keep going higher and higher until you remember to look down and that's when you fall,but this fall is decided,this fall is blissful,that at the end of it.

Sweaty and all.

You're sated.

Well if you haven't,I have.

It's a beautiful feeling,intense and pure,until it's used for all the wrong reasons,and you become addicted to the game,unable to think or function without it,worse so,you're at the mercy of the giver of said ecstasy.

Oh no,you can't create it on your own.

All types of addiction,you name it,they become your drug,they take hold of your senses,without them you're lost,they'll make sure of it.

He made sure of it.

And now,crying my heart out in this empty room with self-inflicted nail scratches on my reddening skin feels like a lame substitute,my heart beat drums in my ears but I am numb to the environment around me,the only ones who can hear my wails are the guards outside this thick brick door,they're probably convinced I'm insane.

All of them do.

No they wouldn't get it.

They don't know that at the end of my desperate thirst for ecstasy,I was broken in the process.

But I wasn't dead inside.

And there was nothing I could do about it,at that point I was a lost cause,subdued by his touches,his fingers were my salvation and his lips were my light.

I was too young to notice the toxicity of our relationship,I grew up too late.

By then,he had taken away the last shred of my hope,his calloused hands took away my liberty.

But in all honesty,I would have given it to him without a fight.

That's how demented I was.

He got a taste for himself though,I'm not entirely sure he was happy with what I gave.

I've never been good with giving the right kind of gifts.

Bad timing perhaps.

But at the time I could not be stopped,so when he tried to push the lost puppy away,she barked back,she refused to be left alone again.

But she barked too loud.

And she ended up alone anyway.

A/N-What do you think,I know I said I'd alternate,but like I said,the narrator has a mind of her own and currently,she wants to vent.

I'll only be showing snippets of her past life through her words.

Hope you liked the chapter?
Tell me what you think??