you are everything I wanted ( Aizawa Shota x Reader)

selfish (chapter 32)

I held his familiar hand in mine as he lay motionless in the hospital bed, i watched as the hospital gown that encased his chest rose and fell with every breath.  The doctor said none of the injuries would be fatal but they still need to keep an eye on him. My heart throbbed as I pressed our interlocked digits against my forehead. praying and begging someone, anyone, would save him.

A couple hours earlier

Y/N pov

i sat in the break room rubbing my temples as i scrambled through some papers. "Did Kaminari even study for this test?" i questioned to the empty room as i proceeded to correct his paper laughing at every witty response he'd write when he didn't know the answer and occasionally rewarding him the mark if it made me laugh enough. 

*ring* *ring* 

I pulled out my phone from my pocket and read the unknown number 

"Hello?" i said answering the call

"Hello, is this Y/N?" the male voice on the phone spoke 

"yes this is 'she' how can I help you" i leaned the phone between my ear and shoulder as i shuffled to grab the next test paper.

"i'm calling from the Hosu General Hospital, you are Shota Aizawa's emergency contact ."

i stood up rapidly letting the phone slip into my hand

"What! is he okay? what happened?" 

"Please do not be concerned, he is in a stable condition but we need you to fill out some of these forms as he is currently unconscious. I'm afraid I am not allowed to disclose any further information over the phone"

stay calm, they won't tell you any more information over the phone you have to go to the hospital just cooperate  "of course, I'm on my way"  by the time we said goodbye I was already out the door.

current time

It was about 1 am and I was so emotionally drained. I peered over at the table next to me that had a stack of forms i still needed to fill out. I reluctantly let go of his hand and began to write. 

Apparently, Shota had been sent out to do a simple rescue mission because someone had been taken hostage by a low-level, quirkless criminal. Turns out it was much more serious than that and some villains were planning to attack the pro hero but by the time word had spread to the agency that it was a trap, Shota had already been ambushed. The crooks were caught and the hostage was physically uninjured but Shota wasn't so lucky.

i couldn't focus. My eyes wouldn't stay on the papers as i zoned out unconsciously imagining what they did to him.

"Hello my love"

i sprang out my chair at the sound of his voice.

but he lay there, motionless eyes still closed. my own brain was torturing me. i slumped back in the chair and began to sob.

"Where am i?"

i glanced over through teary eyes expecting to not see a change but I had to be optimistic. and there he was, eyes open staring at the ceiling 

"Shota!" i whispered smiling down at his face as i leant over his limp body

"I'm so sorry," he said placing my hand against his heart. 

"oh Sho,"  I sighed  "that's not important right now, We can talk about this later" I brushed my thumb against his stubble with my free hand "the only thing that matters is that you're okay"

he squeezed my hand tight and looked into my eyes with his.

"Please, i know this is so selfish and that you've been through so much but please, i need to explain"  he sat up slowly and moved over to the side motioning for me to join him in his bed which i happily obliged. 

i cuddled up to him as best i could without hurting him.

"i was upset" he started "I pushed you away because I knew you deserved better than me, which of course is so immature and damaging but what happened...that night i... I should have stopped. I knew when we were in that room that we hadn't been together that long and weren't familiar with each other enough to do something so extreme but I wanted you so badly. I needed you and I could feel how badly you wanted it too that I didn't stop it. But I should have. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE THAT, i knew i didn't know your limits, I knew you didn't know mine and yet... and yet I was an idiot, you trusted me and i made you use your safe word. I pushed you away because I was ashamed... I was mad at myself. So mad that I guess I wanted to punish myself by staying away from you. I was selfish I didn't think. I'm sorry. I..." his voice broke in his throat "YN I'm so fucking sorry" clear tears formed in the corners of his eyes as they threatened to overflow.

I realise now. I never cared for him after I used the safe word. I never took care of him the way he did me. Aftercare is a two-way street you can't expect it and not give it. I knew that and yet I still didn't support him. I didn't tell him that I was okay and that I loved him, that it wasn't his fault and that I was okay. That I used the word because what was happening was too much not because he was too much.  i was so caught up in my own feelings i didn't think about him. i didn't think about how much he must hate himself because he thought he hurt me. how it was all his fault but It wasn't I agreed to this just as much as he did. i didn't think about how much hurting me, hurt him. He was right, i guess we weren't ready to do such emotional dependant and draining activities. 

i told him about all of it. i made sure he knew he had no reason to be mad at himself because he did nothing wrong and how sorry i was that i didn't take care of him as much as he did me, and if there should be anyone apologising it should be me.

We talked for the rest of the night until morning. About the event, our pasts, about Shitakumo about everything. I had never felt closer to shota in that moment than our entire relationship.

"i'm so sorry, it's such a horrible thing what happened to you with Riku"

"it's okay, every day it gets a little easier and it's been quite a bit of time now. after it all, i did spend a long time just travelling and trying to find myself again before I realized I wanted to be a teacher"

"But if you quit modelling and left Riku a few years ago how can you afford your house and cars plus all the travelling ?"

"well...After the agency found out that the models they had under their brand name were 'dating' they made lots of money off our publicity and they really pushed us to be a public power couple figure. When the bad stuff about our relationship was revealed to them they didn't want it coming out in fear of ruining their reputation so they paid me a huge amount of money to get out of my contract and basically a non-disclosure. I've only ever told hizashi about it. And now you."  I smiled down at him as he rested on my chest. "It feels so good to tell you about everything shota"

"i'm happy that even after everything that's happened you still trust me enough to tell me"

i smiled down at him as he closed his eyes and i ran my hands through his hair

"shota?" i whispered moments later

"hmm?" he mummbled barely awake

"i promised you i was going to be completely open with you so.... my hero name is Core" 

his eyes shot open and he gave me a smile

"i know, i researched it when you went to the bathroom on our first proper date." my eyes grew wide and  he laughed tiredly and kissed my cheek 

"what!? why didn't you tell me you'd figgured it out?" i said poking his cheek

"because it doesn't matter what your name is, you'll always be My love"