Truth or Consequences

chapter 19

I keep expecting my life to resemble some normalcy, but I am finding that I don't think my life will ever be normal again. Why would New Year's be any different?

The circuit Felix works for was throwing a rager of a New Year's party, so Felix had to work, and I opted to stay here... alone. I was adamant that Felix had to go back. He didn't want to leave me, but I can't let him give up what he's worked so hard for. I know I'm not making the best decisions, but I decided not to join him. I thought we might need the distance, that I should go back to work, and that I should start seeing my therapist again. Despite all that, I feel more alone than ever.

So when Felix left, I spoke to my boss and had a session with my therapist. My boss feels that I should just go ahead and take the month of January off. She admitted that she honestly didn't see me coming back until March. She reasoned that I needed to put myself first. Which I've always struggled with. No job is worth your mental health, and more than that... I would likely be overwhelmed or unable to do my job to the best of my ability.

My therapist also agreed that I should not go right back to work. My caseload of kids would understand and that I can't provide much empathy if I'm low on emotional energy. To that point, she encouraged me to join Felix. I know deep down it was silly to let him go- I thought my reasoning was sound. But if I'm not going back to work, I might as well be with Felix. Hold on to my sense of home with him, but don't use it to replace the void my mom left.

My therapy homework is to continue to work on my relationship with him, have patience for myself, and not make rash decisions. These impulsive decisions included breaking up with Felix because of my thoughts of being broken or not worthy of him. I have to allow myself to heal and work through any new feelings. Including the relief I feel that I didn't have to be a caretaker anymore. As well as my guilt of feeling that relief.

Felix:
I miss you

Helene:
It's only been 2 days

Felix:
I liked living with you...
seeing you every day

Helene:
I miss you too ❤
Will you get to celebrate at all?

Felix:
Not really, so make sure you do it for us.
Call your girls

Helene:
I'll think about it

I won't... I already know I'm not going out. I'm ringing in the new year alone... wearing my favorite hoodie and comfortable joggers. Not to mention, I have a nice bottle of champagne for myself.

Suddenly there is pounding at my door. Like the police need to search my place.

I panic for a second before I realize I haven't done anything... that it's likely Naomi. I laugh at myself as I open the door.

"I fucking knew it," Naomi says as she pushes past me, letting herself in.

"Hello to you too. Why would you knock like that?"

"Why are you worried? It's not like you ever do anything..."

"I had sex with someone in public!!" I am so offended... I do stuff. "And I stole a candy bar that one time. And...and... fuck you, I do stuff."

She is laughing at me... "yeah, yeah... you do stuff when you are dared to."

"You suck."

"More than you know." She wags her eyebrows.