day by day

two months.

today marks two months that we have not been together.
we have spoken once.
when you asked why i unadded you.
is that all i am now?
i look at your spotify playlist and see that we listened to the same songs after it.
i only wonder now
do you still?
or is it just me now?
is it just me now that still sheds tears over the life we had and the life we dreamt of building together?
it kills me not knowing whether or not you miss me too.
the urge to text you and tell you how much i do, miss you,
is growing stronger every day.
i don't want to be broken up.
i want to be with you.
how is it possible that two people who made each other so happy, in this horrible and shitty world, aren't made for each other?
i've never in my life believed in soul mates
until i fell in love with you.
how could we not be?
we were so beautiful.
the way you loved me
was so beautiful.
i've never missed the way someone loved me.
or the way they made me feel.
i always miss the person specifically.
but with you i miss it all.
you were everything to me.
you still are.
and i don't think that's changing anytime soon.
i don't think anything about the way i feel about you is going to change.
and i can't bear the feeling of not knowing if what you felt for me changed or not.
you listen to these songs,
as if i was the one that broke your heart.
i'm not saying you don't get to be hurt too,
don't get me wrong love,
i was there,
i saw how you looked at me,
how happy i made you,
how in love we were.
i know the only way you would not be hurt is if you suddenly turned into this psychopath.
you feel everything my love,
and that is one of the biggest things that drew my heart to you.
so i don't doubt that you hurt too.
in fact i know you did.
i don't know if you do now,
but.
back to my point.
you listen to these songs about being left by the love of your life.
and frankly,
those are my songs.
you left me.
you gave up on me.
i would have never done that to you.
not in a million fucking years.
i want to spend not only this lifetime,
but all of my lifetimes,
with you by my side.
as a team.

honestly it boggles my mind that it's already been two months without you.
the memories are so clear that you could trick me into believing it was just yesterday that our story began.
i wish i could know how you're feeling.
i wish i could talk to you.
you're my best friend.
and i need you more than ever right now.
but you're not mine anymore.
and i just wish i knew if that still fucks you up as much as it does me.