day by day

my fault

i've never felt so betrayed.
i've never held so much anger in my heart.
i've never been so angry towards another human.
i've never, in my whole fucking life, wanted to harm someone this much.
the anger and hatred builds more and more everyday.
everyday i remind myself of you two,
you obviously especially.
and everyday i feel my heart shatter again just like it did the moments where we stood beside your house on the path that led to your door,
the door that, to you, had led to me.
for so many evenings and afternoons, you had walked through that door to find me sitting there waiting for you.
and yet there we were, even after everything,
the sound of my bruised and battered heart shattering on the pathway was almost deafening,
as you screamed at me about how this was all my fault,
just as you had been doing almost the whole time i'd been there.
as you had to physically stop yourself from hurting me.
in that moment,
and every moment for the rest of my life,
i no longer recognize you.
always blaming me?
i can handle that.
because you love me, right?
getting me to do everything?
i can handle that.
because you love me,
making me feel like it's my fault that you're in debt?
i can handle that.
right?
making me feel like it's my fault we can't afford groceries?
i can handle that.
but nothing hurts more than seeing someone who claimed to love you so much,
who was supposed to love you so much,
who was supposed to protect you,
hold you when you were falling apart,
who was supposed to be your family.
your blood,
coming towards you to cause you physical harm.
i have no words for how much hatred i have for you in my heart,
i also have no words for how much i miss you.
and i think i could've forgiven you,
i really could've.
if you had realized and accepted that you were wrong.
and that it wasn't all my fault.
maybe it was all your fault.
maybe i didn't do anything wrong.
maybe you did it all wrong.
did you ever stop and think of that?
or was it just easier to believe that i fucked it all up?
after telling me for my entire life. how much joy i brought to your life and how you would always love me no matter what,
that i was your world.
but i fucked up.
because god forbid you could ever do anything wrong.
i could've forgave you.
but time makes the hate-filled heart grow to be more bitter,
and please know,
when i say those words i mean them with my whole being.
i hate you.