day by day

therapy

everyday is the same.
6:20am
my alarm goes off.
i get up.
i call my boyfriend.
have a bowl.
make my coffee.
7:00am
i get dressed.
my boyfriend hangs up and goes to work.
i have another bowl.
7:30am
we leave the house and walk to work.
8:00am
i get to work.
i sit in the spare office on my phone.
9:00am
i open the office for the day.
make a cup of tea.
paperwork.
10:00am
paperwork.
maybe i answer the phone a couple times.
11:00am
maybe appointments?
12:00pm
put out the lunch sign.
lock the door.
make my lunch.
sit in the spare office and eat.
go on my phone.
12:30
put my dishes away.
paperwork.
1:00pm
make another cup of tea.
paperwork.
2:00pm
paperwork.
3:00pm
paperwork.
4:00pm
paperwork.
5:00pm
close the office for the night.
get ready.
get in the truck.
5:10pm
go to the buy-low for groceries for dinner.
go home.
5:35pm
get home.
get changed.
have a bowl.
6:00pm
have a shower.
have another bowl.
7:00pm
have dinner.
wash my dishes.
sit in my room on my phone.
8:30pm
fill up my water bottle.
brush my teeth.
call my boyfriend.
have my last bowls of the day.
lay in bed talking to my boyfriend.
10:00pm
put my retainer in.
and go to bed.
,
,
everyday is the same.
i am in unbearable pain everyday.
the depression that is swarming my life is beating my ass and it is pathetic
he keeps me alive.
how could i put that on another human??
but everyday is the same.
at first it was okay,
i could handle it.
i liked the routine.
but then as i sat at that desk.
day after day.
doing these redundant, tedious, tasks.
i started to let myself think a little more,
and work a little less.
and before i knew it,
every morning,
tears would fall down onto the desk.
and then without even realizing,
i started to look for objects
just something little,
but sharp.
but he is too good.
he deserves someone good too.
and i need to be that someone.
so i need to be good.
but every fucking day is the same.
and i am not as strong as i used to be.
i am not as strong as i can be.
i don't know what to do anymore.
so i sit at that desk,
and i think about her,
and how much therapy has helped her.
everything she's told me.
and i think,
i cant do this alone anymore.
and i can't put this on him anymore.
i need help.