day by day

home.

it's all I ask for.

for so long I thought it would be easy.

sure I've always felt at home in my parents house,

but it has never been a home to me.

and I felt that.

in that small house on that gorgeous orchard.

I felt like I was home.

now, don't get me wrong,

I was not safe most of the time in that house.

but there was something about getting in that denali at 5pm every weekday and going back to that house on that orchard,

that was comforting.

it was a routine.

not one that I would ever choose for myself, or wanted,

but it was one.

and some times I swear I was happy.

but i was sick.

and I needed help.

and there was nothing else you could do for me.

you were drunk.

I wasn't about to get in a vehicle with you.

I'm sorry.

I wanted my mum, not my aunt.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted to be safe.

and you freaked out.

I asked you to take your hands off me and you held tighter.

and when you caused me to have a panic attack,

you saw me as crazy.

you saw me as an emotional teen.

and when you heard my mothers voice through my phone,

you saw me as a traitor.

because I went to her and not you.

after you almost blinded me and then caused the worst sensory overload I have ever experienced.

I was the traitor, because I chose myself.

how sad is it that i needed help and when i had to get it in a way that upset you, your first reaction was to take away my home.

my home.

And all the while, you never once talked to me.

you hid behind a man who has physically beat you.

and you let him destroy my life.

the life that you were so proud of me for building.

you ruined it.

and you didn't even have the balls to do it yourself.

i wonder sometimes, if you even had my side that night.

or if as soon as you realized that she knew you were drinking, you automatically assumed i told her and then you just turned against me?

you said i was your favourite niece.

you said you were happy i was there.

i can't even count the amount of times that i hung out with you in that kitchen because no one else would and you were drunk and lonely.

i was there for you.

sure, you bent over backwards for me with some things,

but honestly it was more just accommodating my basic human needs.

i'm supposed to thank you for basic human decency?

i am your fucking niece.

was.

you broke my heart.

and this, is a much different heartbreak than i'm used to.

you stripped everything from me the second you let him kick me out.

my job, my home, my friend, any chance of me seeing my boyfriend, and any happiness i had managed to find in that hopeless town.

i wasn't happy, but sometimes i swear i felt satisfied.

and i will never forgive you for taking that away from me.