day by day

me

there's nothing good about me.
but when i met you i finally felt like somebody.
i was in the high of my life and you were my new favourite drug and i had full intentions of overdosing.
you, my love, did not have those same intentions.
you wanted to try me.
your first high.
i should be grateful
but let's be real here
do any of us ever actually stick with the first drug we ever tried?
i'm getting off topic.
i am not good.
she tells me i am.
she looks me in the eyes in my own house and says "because you're good to be around"
i've done this before, where i sit in this bed and write hundreds of words tearing myself down because "this" and because "that"
but let's be real.
just for this chapter.
about me.
now i don't believe wholeheartedly in the star sign world, but i am a leo.
and i'll be straight, i've never seen a single good thing about leo's.
(besides the fact that we're supposedly the hottest and the best in bed. blah.)
every single thing i've seen has been about how awful we are to ourselves and to the people we love.
how horrible we are to be with and how hard we are to love.
but mainly.
how hard we love.
i love hard.
and it's not something i'm ashamed of.
it's something i'm proud of.
but that's not always how i looked at it.
when i was younger i was absolutely fascinated by this one singular human being.
he was everything.
i wouldn't say he was my first love.
but he was the first person i ever loved hard.
he was the first person that made me realize i loved as hard as i do.
three years.
i devoted myself to this human being.
and he barely even knew i existed.
it destroyed me.
when i finally got over him, and it took a long time, i decided that if i was going to love hard, i needed to be pickier with who i loved.
now, i'd love to say that that worked right from that moment on, but it didn't. i was like 12, i didn't actually know anything about anything.
so i did it again.
i found myself being utterly consumed by another human being and it was once again, destroying me.
this time he knew i existed.
maybe he was even a little too aware of my existence.
because he was the first boy to ever take advantage of how hard i love.
he saw it like i was holding a sign above my head that read "i adore you and everything you are. please ruin me"
i was 13.
i let him destroy me because i was so infatuated by his existence.
still to this day i fear seeing him because i know i will never outgrow the soft spot i have for him.
i will never fully leave behind the love that grew for him.
now, there were boys in between.
but they weren't anything great.
sure they took my love for granted but i didn't love them as hard so it didn't phase me as much.
anyways. back on track.
then there was him.
the one i shouldn't have ever loved.
the one i wish i never met.
i don't even know what to say about him.
in some ways i want to say he was my first great love, but our love was not great.
i loved him too hard and he loved me harder.
i wanted to know better but i was so consumed by his fascination with me.
it was toxic and horrible and i hate you for what you did to me.
i was 15.
it was my first job.
i had a boyfriend.
granted, he wasn't a good one
(i mean he doesn't even make this list. mainly cause he made a different one)
but he was still my boyfriend.
and what i did,
to him, to me, to you.
isn't even half as worse as what you did to me.
you were 25.
i didn't know any better,
but you sure as shit should have.
and finally.
him.
the one that i will love for all the eternities to come.
the one i will look for in all my lifetimes.
my right person, wrong time.
the love of my life.
of one of my lives.
when i met him, i wasn't looking for anyone.
i was simply looking for myself.
i was starting fresh and i didn't want to get distracted.
i remember shaking your hand that night and everything else was a blur.
but now it's so clear.
as if i'm walking through my memories.
reliving them time and time again.
fuck i've even picked my favourites and least favourites.
the ones that make me sad and the ones that bring me the tiniest bit of joy.
i am not bitter towards you my love,
for you taught me that, even though i love hard, and that some people may have taken advantage of that, and ruined me and my love,
i can still find solace in a soul that matches mine.
you were my solace.
i love you beyond anything i could have ever imagined.
every time i have dropped my heavy case of love in front of another human they have greedily taken it and used it for their own good.
but you, you took that bag and you put it in a safe, and you made sure no one could touch it except you.
you never took more than you gave and when you did you gave more to make up for it.
you are my great love.
oh fuck
look at me
getting off topic.
and crying. ew.
okay. me.
i love that boy more than there is space above our heads.
and while he loved just as hard as i do, if not a little harder, some great loves are meant for other lifetimes.
but i, am really really really bad at goodbyes.
i often find myself crawling back to those that i never even loved.
just to find even a sliver of peace.
even a sliver of him.
they tell me how pretty i am, how much they care about me, how important i am to them.
and it means nothing.
i feel nothing.
but i want to feel good when they tell me those things.
i want to want to say them back.
not just say it back cause it's rude not to.
i don't want to have to be the girl that says "i care about you too but i'm not really there right now"
but mostly i don't want to be the girl that has to have a mans attention.
i don't want to be the girl that needs to have someone.
the girl that's scared to be alone.
but then i sit in a room with my best friends.
and i feel nothing.
their laughter fills all the spaces but still my thoughts peak through.
everyone i have loved hard,
has turned me into someone i don't want to be.
and every time, i climb back out.
i shake off the bitter rain and i put on new clothes and i walk out with a smile on my face.
but why do i always have to be that person?
the person that always says
"i'll bounce back. i always do"
what if i want to sit there and not feel anything?
what if i want to be numb.
what if i want to replace my blood with caffeine and replace my air with nicotine and fuck up my brain with drugs?
what if i want to be that person.
the one that doesn't give a shit.
i don't want to love hard anymore.
i don't want to seek solace in others.
i just want to find solace in myself.
but mostly
i just want a break from myself.
because fuck man,
i'm horrible.