Inevitable Withdrawal - cash au-

Walk Away

I am naive. I can't believe that I thought Nash would actually want to be with me like that. He's married and he's a Senator at that, there's no way we can ever be. I'll always be the man on the side, well I know that's probably over. I wish so much that I could turn back time and unsay those 3 words that changed our relationship.

But I can't and I have to live with this feeling in my heart. I've never felt this way before, there's a heaviness in my chest that never goes away. It's there when I fall asleep and it's there when I wake up.

I spend the entire weekend in my room, crying. I feel pathetic and I want to call out sick but I know I can't. I have responsibilities now, there's no time to nurse a broken heart.

So Monday morning I take a shower and I try to make myself as presentable as possible. I put my big boy pants on and I stop by the coffee shop to get our coffee.

When I arrive at the office I know Nash is already in because the lights are on and we are the only ones with keys to this office. I put my coffee down and I knock on the door and enter after I hear Nash speak.

I didn't think it was possible to have my heart break further but it does. Nash is standing in front of his desk with Lea and they're kissing. He did this on purpose to send a message that I had already received loud and clear.

He opens his eyes and looks at me even as he continues to kiss her. I back out and close the door. I sit his cup on my desk and sit down at my chair trying so hard to maintain my composure. My breathing quickens and I have to blink rapidly to keep from crying. I rub my eyes and think about going to the bathroom to get some privacy but I can't. I won't, I'm better than this.

I can do this, I've gone through much worse.

After 10 minutes I'm back to normal and I turn on my computer to begin my work. Hours pass before Lea leaves and I want to know what happened in there so badly but I force myself to keep working.

Nash has a meeting in 10 minutes and I'm supposed to go with him when he comes out of his office for the first time ever I'm unsure of what to do.

He stops when I don't follow after him. He stops and turns to me, his face is blank.

"I'm going to be late, Cameron." He says in a cold tone and my heart drops. I try to keep a straight face as I stand up and gather my things.

We walk silently to the conference room and I sit down quietly next to him and take notes on what is being spoken.

He usually turns and tells me things that he specifically wants me to jot down but today he remains quiet and I don't know why I expected anything different.

We leave the meeting and head back to his office. I follow slightly behind him and I don't say a word to him when we return to his office.

When I get his lunch he doesn't acknowledge me at all, it's as if I no longer exist for him. I'm no longer relevant in his life. I scroll through my pictures of him from the best weekend of my life. The weekend where I feel loved and wanted.

It's hard to keep myself from crying so when Nash leaves his office I turn my head and try to wipe my eyes before I look at him.

When our eyes meet, he's studying me with a frown on his face. Does he not realize how difficult this is for me? How in love with him I am? This is torture.

Friday is fast approaching and I'm scared. I'm hoping so much that he'll show up to the hotel room, that he still wants me even if it's just for my body. I crave him, I crave his attention, his touch, I crave everything about him.

Every morning when I bring him his coffee I want so badly to talk to him about us, but I know it's not appropriate and it's killing me.

Friday morning I have a ball of nervous energy in the pit of my stomach. I miss Nash so bad, I just want things to go back to how they used to be, before I fucked it all up.