FIRE & BLOOD • EVAN 'BUCK' BUCKLEY / 9-1-1

35.

I woke up to those words swimming around in my head, repeating them over again, and again.

You're hurt. Lost. Confused. Afraid.

He spoke with such confidence like he knew very well what was going on inside. I thought about the emotion behind his eyes, one I couldn't place.

Or I'm avoiding the truth because I know what he feels for me. But that can never be. Despite how I may have felt in the beginning of our friendship before me and Buck ever became to be a thing, he is my attending. Our friendship is what it can only be and should remain as.

Guilt ripples through me as I even allow myself to give it such a thought. While I am still in love with Buck, I can't give up on us just yet.

My fingers ache as I rub the tiredness from my eyes as I travel back to last night. After a long night of taking photos with my mom, dancing around the living room and laughing until I couldn't. Physically. I decided to gown a bottle of Angel Rose that Amanda had brought me and well... my body does not hold alcohol like it used to when I was 19.

It was a good night apart from the small aches that built in my chest throughout the night when my mind ran to him. A selfish thing it was, to think of someone while not entirely appreciating what my best friend did for me but I did appreciate everything she did more than I could've showed her last night. Surprise parties have never been a thing for me. Never thought I would enjoy one. I never cared for one but nonetheless, my heart was filled with such joy and gratitude.

I sat up from my bed and reached for my phone, typing in my code to unlock it. When I saw I had a missed call and voicemail and from who, my breath caught in my throat.

Buck.

I shut my eyes close as I brought the bottom end of my phone to my ear, mentally preparing myself to hear his voice.

"Stella." An ache grew in my chest at the way he said my name.

"Hi" I can picture him standing in a busy street in New Orleans, a hand in his pocket while he held his phone with his free one. I try to picture those brilliant blue eyes of his.

"Uh, I'm in New Orleans. In case anyone hasn't told you, not that I would think my sister or Eddie would've told you but" he clears his throat, getting slightly distracted from the reason for which he called.

"Anyways, yeah I'm in this fascinating city, miles and miles away from home. Thinking about you."

"I'm sorry for not being there on such a special day. I wasn't sure or even thought about how I could show up after everything that has happened but I've been doing a lot of thinking and.." he pauses. I grow more impatient the longer he stays silent.

"I miss you. A lot" he chuckles. "And I know we haven't had such great communication lately but I want to see you. I want to talk. I'll be here for another day and I'll be back home. If you're up to it, I would love to grab some coffee when I'm back in town..."

Yes. Yes I want to talk to him and apologize for being so ignorant and childish and inconsiderate and so much more. For leaving his side when I should've stayed.

"If you're up for it then give me a call. If not, I understand." Another small moment of silence.

"Happy Birthday Stel, I l-" but the voicemail ends.

He was going to say he loves me. I wish he were standing in front of me so I can touch him, hold him, kiss him. I hadn't realized just how much I had craved his presence, his warmth, his touch, his voice until this morning. Until he had to be miles and miles away from me.

I love him more than I could have imagined possible.  I can't let Savannah and whatever plan she has come in between us. I already allowed myself to reach selfishly and turn away from him, because that is all I ever knew how to do. It is what I had learn to do after my relationship with Dylan ended. I allowed him to stomp all over me as his subject and not once let myself be selfish when it came to him.

But this is different. Evan is not Dylan, never will be. No one has ever made me feel the way Evan has. Like I am worthy of knowing real love. He has given me that much and I cannot let it slip by. I will not.

On the second ring, he picks up.

"Stella?" Evan says, surprised.

"Hi" is all I manage to say. I didn't think about what I was going to say to him when my fingers rushed to his contact and pressed the little phone icon.

"Hey" he says back. Clearly, we both haven't thought about what we would say if either one of us called each other.

"I listened to your voicemail, just finished listening to it actually." I wanted to slap myself for letting him know how quick I was to reach out to him but at the same, I really didn't care. "Uh I.. well" I fumble with my words.

"We should talk. I want to talk, about all of this and apologize for..." I hesitate. "I'd rather tell you everything in person. Come home." I pace around my room, thumb between my teeth as I wait for him to say something, anything.

"Yeah, we should. I've been thinking about you like crazy" he breathes out a laugh. "I'll come home to you."

Warmth radiates through my body.

"I fly in tomorrow morning. Does SweetCup sound good?" He asks me.

"Yes" I say.
"Awesome. Uh well then, I'll see you tomorrow morning then" I can hear the huge smile splitting his lips and vision him standing somewhere on a corner of a street, his head facing the ground.

"Yeah" My lips also tug into a wide smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright. I'll call you"
"Evan" I whisper, knowing our phone call is coming to an end.

"Yeah?"
"I love you." I close my eyes as I say it, picturing his face in my mind.

"I love you too."

(Warning: this is the part where we hit the bumps in the road. HUGE ones.)