In My Dreams

Chapter Forty-One

Ada

One second passed. Two seconds passed. Three seconds passed. Guilt was eating me alive. If guilt was ice in my guts, it could be forty degrees out and I'd still be frozen on the inside. Looking back at the sauce pan of meatballs and the sweet smell of garlic and tomatoes I realise what a fool I've become. How could I question his feelings for me? The guilt feeling is suffocating, it's a heavy feeling in my chest. I know I've hurt him, it's that incessant throb in my heart telling me I should apologize for being so callous. These days the word sorry is so meaningless and overused.
I take the deepest of breaths and I let out in one massive sigh. I go to him with my tail between my legs.
I'm lingering outside the bedroom pacing the floor building up the courage to face him. A few times I've gone to open the door but I've quickly pulled my hand away from the cold metal just like you would do when experiencing an electric shock. I'm sure he can see my shadow from under the door crack.
This is really stupid.
I push down on the door handle opening the bedroom door slowly, revealing Jaxon sitting on the edge of the bed with his shoulders slumped out of exasperation. He hasn't asked me to leave the room which is a good sign so I sit down next to him.
"I'm sorry Jaxon for talking to you the way I did and for questioning your feelings for me again. I'm not being fair on you and I can't keep blaming my sudden out bursts on my hormones because I'm not even sure if that's true. I miss the way you used to look at me, as if I were like melted chocolate but now all I see is you feeling sorry for me all the time."
He chews the insides of his mouth then takes in a deep breath and exhales deeply out. "Ada, when are you going to realise how much I love you? Sometimes I can't breathe because I love you that much. hearings you say things like that kills me each and every time. I understand that you're feeling insecure over a lot of things but I have never lied about my feeling for you. You must know by now that everything I do is for you. And as for the way I look at you, you are always melted chocolate in my eyes but I won't stop looking at you with worry and concern not until I know that Alex will never be a problem again."
I purse my lips together and smile. I take his hand and place it over my stomach. "Can we forget all what's happened and go and eat some of those delicious meatballs you cooked for us?"
He smiles back at me and gently kisses me on my lips.

"Wow that was yum, Jaxon. Maybe you should give up painting and become a chef instead." I compliment him by mopping the last trace of that sweet yet sour tomato sauce with the last piece of garlic bread he left for me. "That was better than a chip butty." I say, agreeing with his earlier statement.
I attempt to clear away the empty plates on the table but Jaxon rushes to my side. "It's ok, I'll clear away. You go put your feet up and relax." He suggests taking the plates from my hands.
And there it is, guilt, rearing its ugly head again. He loves me. I should never question his feelings for me ever again. I watch him walk into the kitchen juggling all the dirty plates then hearing a fork drop to the floor with a clinking on the tiled flooring.
Maybe I should tell Jaxon about Helen coming to see to me today. The new information will probably drive more ammunition to convince me to quit my job again but in light of all past and recent events, maybe I should tell him. I do what Jaxon tells me to do and lay out on the sofa.
"Any more room for me on there." He jokes lifting my legs up to sit under them. He takes off my socks and starts massaging my feet. We sit for a moment in silence but in all that time I lay there admiring his handsome face. He has the kind of face that stops you in your tracks. That kind of face that gives you that sudden pause to just look over every feature on his face. Those blue eyes are mesmerising like a deep ocean blue with flecks of silvery light that twinkles under the dim lighting of the room. His face is strong and defined, his features are chiselled. He has dark eye brows which has sloped downwards in a serious expression. His usual playful smile is now drawn into a hard line across his face which makes me feel even more guilt-stricken.
"Helen came by my office this afternoon." I say breaking the silence between us, watching his expressions unfold.
"Helen? As in, Helen, Helen? The same Helen that fucked all our lives up?" He says, straightening up his back in the chair. That was brutally honest of him but yes, I nod my head. "Well what did she want?" He added.
"She came by to tell me that Alex has a big plan and that we, you and I, need to be careful." I answer lifting my legs off his lap crossing them underneath me.
"Didn't she say that last time?" He tells me combing his hair with his fingers.
"She did but she wasn't wrong was she? He did strangle me remember? She apologised, telling me that it's all her fault that she is the reason why we are in this mess."
Jaxon scoffs, leaning forward on the edge of the sofa. "Well, yeah. If she wasn't such a slut that is." He blurts out. "So, what you're saying is that we have to wait for him to make his next move, looking over our shoulders even more so than usual? What did you say?" He quizzed, rubbing the stubble on his chin.
"Well what could I say? How was she to know Alex would take rejection this badly, how was anyone to know. It sounds to me she has gone through a lot worse than I have." I answer pulling my knees into my chest and wrapping my arms around my shins. Jaxon scoffs again but louder this time.
"Ada, I don't think so. You're the only one he wants. He's only doing this to her because he can't have you." Jaxon stands then walks over to the window and peers out of it, leaning his hands on the window seal. I know better than to tell Jaxon the next part about Alex and how he always pretends Helen is me while they have sex. I'm sure this news will go down like a lead ball so I choose to save Jaxon from this detail, he doesn't need to know any of that. "What are you thinking?" I ask, his silence makes me feel uneasy.
"The usual stuff." He answered with few words.
I know he is in pain. I know he is finding the whole thing difficult I get that. Fuck, we are all in a situation that no one knows how to surrender from. It's just memories, bad memories that at this moment, this exact second, we both realise they will haunt us forever. There is no surrender and there is no hiding.
"How the fuck are we going to bring up a child with all this going on? What kind of life will he or she have where we are constantly on the run? Do you honestly think he will stop chasing after you when he finds out your having a baby?" He says with so much torment. "I don't know what to do for the best any more Ada. It is not acceptable to have random visits from a girl that fucked your ex, it is not normal Ada. I don't like the idea of her coming to your office. I wish you would just sack off your job, don't you want to be safe?" He ranted.
His question has made the air so brittle it could snap. I don't even know what to say. Jaxon walks back and forth to the window and I sit there, unable to speak tapping my foot on the floor like one of those wind-up teeth. He has a point. The truth is, this is all normal to me now whether it be Alex breaking in to strangle me or Helen turning up at my work, this seems to be my life now so I guess I've just started to accept it.
"No. I can't explain it and of course I want to be safe." I answer with a whisper.
"Like I said before. Once I have that money in my account, you are going to leave here Ada. Me or no me you have to get out of here. Surely you must understand that? It's not about you anymore." He reminds me, pointing at my stomach.
I forgot about his plan he had for me and the money. I only forgot about it because I was never going to accept it and I was hoping he would never bring it up again.
"Jaxon, I'm not going anywhere without you." I say, pointing out the most obvious. I see him rolling his eyes out of irritation.
"Ada..." he huffs, "for once can you please think about yourself..."
I interrupt, "But I am thinking about myself. I can't live without you Jaxon and how the fuck am I supposed to raise a child on my own? Do you not want to be with us?"
I've never seen Jaxon look like this before, so deflated with his shoulders hanging low. He makes no attempt to wipe away his silent tears, so I stand from the sofa and slowly walk over to Jaxon's reddened face where his tears fall over his lips. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to tell him I'm sorry for involving him in all of this shit but as I said before, these days the word sorry is so meaningless and overused, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Saying sorry doesn't fix the heartache and suffering this has caused, not to mention the added fear and worry.
I'm wiping away his tears with my thumb and tell him, "We will get through this Jaxon. You'll see." Our eyes lock. Jaxon holds my gaze and I feel the warmth in his eyes. The warmth that makes my heart glow and my knees weaken. I can't live without him. What would be the purpose of my existence? "I love you so much Jaxon."
He shuts his eyes tight as if he is hearing those words for the very first time, he breathes out a gentle breath. "I love you more." He whispers.
He kissed me and somehow the world keeps on falling away. It was slow and soft at first, comforting in ways that I can't explain. His hand resting below my ear and his thumb starts to caress my cheek. The next thing I know, I am being slammed onto the sofa. I hardly had a moment to react before his tongue delved inside my mouth then the scent of his aftershave rises from out the neck of his t-shirt. I've taken over the control, rolling myself over on top of him, pinning his body back down to the sofa.
I tug at the hem of my top, pulling it up over my head revealing my full but tender breasts. I didn't have to look at his face to know what he was thinking, I know his desires. Jaxon arches his back and reaches for my breasts, cupping them and lifting them to his mouth. He sucks on my nipples and then pinches them with his finger and thumb. The tenderness is making my clit twitch while the sensation turns me on max, and the feeling flows through every inch of my body.
I breathe in deep. In. Out. losing myself with the sweet pain. Within a split second I'm there again, back inside my body waiting to completely surrender myself. Our lips fit perfectly as if they were meant for each other. Moving against each other, feeling each other. He grabs the back of my neck, growling into my skin.

Jaxon

I can taste her sweet perfume on my lips as I gently kiss the sides of her neck, close enough to notice her pumping artery. If I'd have known better, I can see her blood is boiling with desire pumping fast around her body, probably running another marathon by now. I'm watching her as she starts to unzip my zipper, so I raise my hips and she roughly pulls off my jeans and boxers, discarding of them to the floor.
I see her eyes light up when she catches sight of my cock. A small teasing smile crept upon her face but it quickly changes into a perfect O shape while she brushes her fingers up and down the entire length. My mouth is dry caused by the feel of her touch, engulfing my senses stealing away my worries as she takes me into her mouth. Her tongue caresses the top making my toes curl then she starts sucking me like a lollipop. "Fuck." I growl.
She's rubbing her hands up and down sucking, twisting with long slow licks from top to bottom. She knows I'm going to cum soon, I'm squirming and I'm so fucking hard in her mouth.
"Ada... I'm gonna cum." I cry out. This time my orgasm was so intense, it spread throughout my whole body. For a moment I lose track of where I am and who I am. I even have to close my eyes to regain composure, while my body feels electric.
I open my eyes when I feel her moving off the sofa. "Oh no you don't." tell her. I grab her by the hand and bring her back onto the sofa. She makes a little squeal as she hits the cushions. My lips brush against her soft silky skin glowing under the dim lighting, highlighting her perfect features. The curves on her collarbone, the fullness of her breasts, she is so fucking perfect.
I take off her joggers and panties and throw them on top of the other discarded clothes on the floor. I make a path with small kisses all the way down to her inner thighs. Her breath deepens and she makes little sharp breaths and these beautiful moans escape her mouth. I open her legs wider and I begin licking all over her clit softly. Slowly, I insert my fingers one at a time listening to her responding with pleasure. Her eyebrows arch and her mouth forms that famous perfect O shape again that I love to see so much. I'm curling my fingers up towards her stomach making sure I hit her G-Spot, simultaneously kissing her and licking her clit whilst moving in and out, harder this time.
"Jax... I'm gonna cum." She cries, I dare stop, she's grabbing my hair and her legs convulse on my shoulders. I can feel she's still riding the wave. After she's done I can't help but rest my hands on her stomach, tracing my fingers around her pierced belly button, I close my eyes and kiss into her stomach.
"I love it when you do that." She whispers.
"Do what?" I ask.
"When you touch or kiss my stomach like that. It feels nice." She tells me.
I meet her smile but what she doesn't realise was that I was silently praying, hoping that someone up there will keep Ada and my baby safe. I made a promise to myself that I will kiss her stomach each day now until the baby is ready to be born. One day this could all be taken away from me. The darkness of memories corrupt my mind as I revisit the very moment she was suffocated by Alex. The moment I found her lying on the floor unconscious with no underwear on. The moment I saw the puddles of blood from her injured finger, splattered all over her kitchen floor and cupboards. The memories only grow louder and louder, drowning me and there is no hope in any of us being saved.
"Jaxon?" I heard my name being called but it was not enough to bring me out of hell. Until she called my name for the second time, it's her voice that brings me back to reality.
"Jaxon?" She calls again for the third. I shake my head away from my blackened thoughts and look back at her. "Are you ok?" She asks worriedly.
I purse my lips and smile, nodding my head. "Of course." I lie. "Shall we go lay in bed?"
Ada is tired. I can tell by her eyes how tired she Is. As soon as her head hits that pillow she will fall asleep, there will be no stopping her.
We pick up the heap of clothes off the floor and we hand over what is hers and what is mine. She slips back into her panties and folds her joggers and top over her arm.
"Would you like to start looking at wedding venues?" She asks.
I look her over curiously. I know she agreed to marry me but I didn't expect her to be the first one to suggest finding venues. I was fully prepared to wait until she was ready. "What makes you ask that?" The curiosity gets the better of me.
She laughs through her nose. "I knew you were going to ask me that. I've surprised you, haven't I?"
I make a little laugh. "A little yes." I admit. "We can start looking for a venue. I would really like that."
She shoots me a smile full of excitement and strolls off to the bedroom. As soon as she's out of sight, I double check the front door has been bolted and the home alarm is set before I turn off the lights in the flat.
Another strange day to add to the never-ending list.