In My Dreams

Chapter Forty-Two

Ada

The sun is brighter than it has been in months. Winter is finally over. Now that its March, spring is triumphing once again seeing all those naked twiggy trees exploding with new blossom. The sun rises gradually as I make my way to the station. There is a new warmth in the air which my makes my breaths invisible. There are white puffy clouds in the sky rather than that dense layer of grey that plagued the skies over the last few weeks.
I pass the coffee shop at the station where the strong coffee aroma's still make me gag and heave. I've been nauseous every day since I found out we are expecting, I've tried to embrace it for as long as I can but I've read somewhere the sickness could go on for another several months. This really fucked me off.
I board my train and find a seat next to the window. My body sways with the movement of the train carriage, a lazy and understated rocking motion which suddenly makes me feel off. It's times like these I wish I had brought a large book or my ear phones just to distract myself from this awful sickness feeling. The man next me has clearly forgotten that his exaggerated man spread isn't leaving much to imagination in his tight suit trousers while with each rocking movements of the carriage has his thigh grazing up against mine. I squash myself up against the window just to get away from his closeness and his body warmth that really makes this journey unbearable.
I rest my head against the cool glass and close my eyes thinking about the past month. Jaxon and I searched and searched for a new house and then finally we found a beautiful four bedded house spread across three floors, that we both fell in love with. Our offer was accepted so now we just wait. Jaxon will rent out the flat above gallery and he will continue to work there too so with  every finger crossed, Jaxon thinks we will be moved in by the summer.
I take out my phone from my coat pocket and smile when I see Jaxon has already texted me.

'I've decided I am going to meet you after work and take my perfect woman out for dinner tonight."

I feel giddy with excitement. We still haven't managed that date night yet so I guess tonight is my lucky night. My smile grows of its own accord and I can feel my body igniting at the thought of him meeting me outside my office building.

'Glad I wore my lucky dress today then.'

I reply along with a winking emoji. The train journey doesn't take too long of a morning, so before I know it, it's time to get off. Thank goodness too.

"Ada, can I have a moment please?" Richard calls me from his office door. To my absolute fucking horror. He is holding a freshly made cup of coffee. Oh boy this will be interesting.
I've dragged myself into his office where I am suddenly hit in the face with the strong smell of alcohol.
"Take a seat." He says pointing to the chair in front of his desk. I take the seat and sit with my legs crossed.
He isn't clean shaven like he usually is. His white shirt is creased and I notice a few strands of hair sticking up from the back of his head. Under the artificial glow from the office lighting I can see how pale his skin is and that he's nursing another hangover from hell this morning. He pops a couple of pills from a pain killer packet and chucks them to the back of his throat where he gulps them down with his coffee while I try my best to hide my angst with the smell.
"I just want to make sure you are set for the takeover in the next few months?" He asks distractedly.
"I think so. Chris has already told me not to worry about it too much." I advise as he suddenly takes an interest in my reply.
"Chris aye? Has he been in contact with you?" He quizzes as his icy blue eyes become hostile. He doesn't blink, he just stares right through me as if my head is transparent.
"There have been a few emails back and forth over the past couple of months. Nothing formal, more like getting to know me If anything," I announce but I can still sense his discomfort. "Sorry Richard, if you don't mind me asking, is there a problem? It's just you seem very distracted at the moment. Do you want me to come back later?" I put forward.
He goes to say something but he stops himself. He is clearly tormented by something but I know he won't tell me.
"If only you knew." His voice shakes as he rubs his hands down the back of his neck. "Ada, I have so much to tell you but the problem is with that I don't know where to start." He swallows. "Have you considered maybe looking for a new position elsewhere? I'm sure I can use my connections to find you a similar role somewhere else?" He offers.
I'm confused. "Why would I do that?"
He rests back in his chair and makes a pyramid with his hands just like a James Bond villain would do.
"Can I tell you a story?" He asks. I agree by nodding my head. "I've been in love with a woman for over ten years now but the thing is, she wasn't mine to love to begin with. My oldest friend brought V home one evening... god, I remember the day as if it were yesterday. She had the most glorious curliest hair I've ever seen and freckles you could see from a mile away. I fell in love with her instantly, I couldn't help myself. For years they had an on and off relationship, it was quite hard to keep up with at times. But then I met Samantha, My beautiful Samantha. I asked her to marry me a year into our relationship. We got married, we had baby girl, life was good for a moment but obviously as cruel as the world can be, one day Sam collapsed in our kitchen while she was pouring cereal into a bowl for Maisy." He pauses and takes a long deep swallow. "Test after test, sleepless night after night, then just like that she was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer. After more tests the doctors told us the disease had spread to her lungs and liver. Radiologists, hepato-biliary surgeons, even Chemo couldn't save her so she has decided to die in hospital. She's weak and in pain, which I understood and have accepted now. It's been a tough year, Ada. Trying to get my head around the thought of being widower hasn't been easy. Especially after learning she only has eight months to live. When Sam was first diagnosed I took it badly and quite carelessly. My friend had broken things off with V after meeting another woman which was perfect for me. In my moment of need, one night I drove to her house and I told her everything. I told her how I felt about her, I told her about Sam and her cancer then before we knew it I was waking up in her bed the following morning."
He took a sip of his coffee and winces from the liquid turning cold. He opens up his bottom drawer and pulls out a full bottle of Jack Daniels and a used tumbler. I watch him as he breaks open the seal on the neck of the bottle and twists off the cap pouring himself a generous amount of whiskey. He offers me some but I wave my hand to decline. He moves his eyes down to my stomach then looks into the tumbler admiring its contents thinking that it will solve all his issues, as he takes one large gulp.
"Where was I?... Oh yes. So that morning, I never felt an ounce of guilt. I came home and all I could think about was her. What kind of man does that make me? My wife is dying in hospital and I sleep with the woman that I'm still deeply in love with. A couple of months go by, it was Monday to be precise, I received a phone call from V telling me she's pregnant. What makes this even more fucked up is that she doesn't know who the father is. Me or my best friend. V decided that I shouldn't be the father because it would make things complicated and that was until the baby was born and the results of the paternity showed that I was her father."
He takes another large gulp of his whiskey and completely empties the glass. He would lick the glass dry if he could.
"So, bringing my story to the present day, my friend still thinks he's the father and that's only because we both fear what he will do us if he finds out. Last month he walked in on me and V, what a way to be busted right? He threatened both our lives. Said he would tell my wife of my unfaithfulness but I begged and I pleaded with him not to. It would finish her off if she knew what I've been up to while she's been suffering, all I wanted to do is protect her. Recently I've done some things that I'm not proud of. It makes me feel sick when I think about it but I can't risk in losing her. For Maisy's sake."
Richard pours himself another large serving of Whiskey and takes a long gulp. He pulls a face as it burns on the way down and swirls the amber liquid around the glass. Then to make up for his apparent depression he downs the rest in one shot and pours himself another. He knows what he has done to his wife is pretty awful but he doesn't try to justify it. He knows his wronged.
"Richard, firstly I just want to let you know how sorry I am about your wife. I knew she was unwell but I had no idea she was terminal. I am not here to judge your life Richard and I appreciate that you felt you could tell me. Believe you me I understand complicated relationships more than anyone. I have someone that sounds just like your friend. Will you ever tell him that you're the father?" I gently ask, not wanting to pry into his life any more than what I know already.
"One day maybe. Not right now. Let's just say he doesn't have a stable personality. That sort of news is life changing, it would not go down well." He itches the stubble on his chin and locks eyes with me. "What makes your life so complicated?" He asks. I don't think he has ever said so much to me in all my time working here and now he is interested in me, interested in my complicated life of all things.
"Where to begin." I laugh.
"Start from the very beginning." He says, his words confident.
I think about what I can say for a moment. What's the worst that can happen? When he leaves I probably will never see him again?
"I met a man at a bar a few years back, it wasn't intentional, I was waiting for a friend. I wasn't sure about him at first but after a few vodkas he actually turned out to be a fun guy. He was kind and flirty and I felt like I'd never experienced that much fun before. He invited me back to his house that he rented with some friends, then I snuck out the following morning before he woke up and that was that. Three years later I see him again, only he wasn't that kind or flirty guy I remembered, instead he was quite obnoxious and demanding. He took me out that evening and invited me back to his, which wasn't that tiny room in that house all those years ago, it was this massive swanky apartment overlooking London. He was obviously doing well for himself. I remember him taking a phone call from a woman where he left me alone in his living room for forty-five minutes. He was a very secret man, I knew nothing about him, I didn't know where he grew up, I've never met his parents or siblings if he has any. I still know nothing of these. Until one day I followed him to a house in Islington that had a bright red door and that was when I found out he had a daughter. He kept it from me and I have no idea why. He turned into this controlling, obsessive, compulsive person that I hardly recognised anymore. Then Christmas Eve I saw him with a younger girl outside the London stadium, drunk. I fled to my parents' house that night and that's when I saw Jaxon. Turns out he's been in love with me ever since he was fourteen years old." I laugh through my nose making it obvious how much Jaxon means to me. "I've known Jaxon for years. I guess I always had a thing for him. A door opened for me that night so I stepped through it not realising what was waiting for me on the other side. I broke up with my ex Boxing Day but I continued seeing Jaxon. My ex, he... broke into my flat, I've had stitches because of him, he's stalked me, strangled me on two occasions. It's been tough. Jaxon and I moved for a fresh start but we have to move again because I am being tormented by someone. We've recently found out we're having a baby too so now it's added pressure to keep myself and the baby safe. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the future as well as the past." I wipe a tear from under my eye that was threatening to fall after all this time but I catch it before it deceives me.
Usually my fear and anxiety grab me by the tongue but I don't feel so panicked any more. I've just told my boss secrets. I haven't told anybody else any of this before but for some reason something was telling me I should tell him. There is something about our confessions that somehow fit together as a bigger picture.
"I had my suspicions you were pregnant. The smell of coffee? Sam had the same problem." He smiles but his mouth soon changes into a hard line. "What are you going to do about Alex then?" He asks leaning forward on his elbows anticipating my answer.
"I... we don't know." I answer but then what he says strikes me hard across the face. "How did you know his name was Alex? I don't recall mentioning his name... ever for that fact."
He jerks up upright and shifts uneasily on his chair. "You've mentioned him before. I'm sure he introduced himself on one or two occasions, otherwise how else would I know his name?" He laughs sitting tense on his chair, his back arched and his eyes fixed on mine.
I look down at my watch and realise that the time has somehow dissolved into itself. We've been talking for well over three hours. "Wow, it's almost four o'clock." I exclaim, launching myself up from the chair. I smooth out my dress over my stomach and rush over to the door.
"Richard... you should stop drinking for today. Go and see your wife. I know you've been avoiding seeing her but you should enjoy what time you have left with her before it's too late." I advise as I push down on the cold metal door handle and dash out of Richards office.
What the fuck has just happened.
I slump my body down on my chair, exhausted from the very in-depth conversation we've just had. The only thing I can think about is how Richard brought up Alex' name. I know I have never mentioned him to anyone in the office other than Gemma when she was working here.
I pull out my pad from my pedestal and begin to write notes on Richards and mine confessions, comparing every last detail. Something it's telling me both our stories are puzzle pieces and they need to be put together. I look into his office and see his
Silhouette moving in the frosted window pouring himself another drink.
Could Alex be his friend that he mentioned in the story? He calls the woman he's in love with V. Is that V for Vanessa? Could the baby be Jasmine? And when he mentioned his friend meeting another woman, was that me?
I relax back in my chair tapping the pen on my bottom lip while my mind works like Mrs Marple.
Why am I doing this, I laugh through my nose thinking how ridiculous this is. The world isn't that small. I fling the pad across my desk and fold my arms across my chest gazing up towards the ceiling. My thoughts are blank which is a strange occurrence to me. Normally my thoughts are twisting and turning, suffocating me as the slide show beats every muscle in my body.
The silent room is engulfed with the sound of my phone vibrating and chiming on the desk alerting me I have a text message rendering any logical thought impossible.

'Is everything ok? I'm waiting outside your building for you.'

It's Jaxon. Shit, it's twenty minutes past five. I finished twenty minutes ago. I've been so deep in thought I totally forgot I was meeting him.

"Sorry! I'm coming now."

In a grip of silent panic, I reply quickly to his text message whilst gathering my things and throwing them into my bag. I rip the page of notes off the pad and fold it roughly then stuff it in my coat pocket. I cannot concentrate on anything else that I'm doing right now. I grab my bag then I take one last examining look through the frosted glass of Richards office to see the same dark shadow of his body slumped over the desk again. I roll my eyes and make my way out of the building.
"Finally! What's taken you so long?" Jaxon exclaims.
"I know, I know! I'm sorry. I didn't realise the time." I tell him.
"Are you ok? You seem a little flustered?" He takes my hand and moves me out of the way of office workers walking to the pubs ready to blow off some steam. "What's going on?"
"Honestly... I have no idea Jaxon. Can we find somewhere to eat and I'll tell you all about it?"
Jaxon nods his head, lays his arm over my shoulder, guiding me across the road.
"What is it that you fancy?" He asks.
I'm hungry. Like painfully hungry. Sometimes it hits me hard and it becomes something I can't stop thinking about. I don't want poncey food from a poncey restaurant. I need proper food like something I can sink my teeth in to.
"I really fancy a burger." I answer. He looks at me with an odd expression. I'm thinking he expected poncey. "Is there a Five Guys near?" I add.
"There's one in town. It's a cab ride though. Are you sure that's what you want?" He quizzes.
I'm salivating from the thought of a juicy burger and fries. Yes, I am so sure a burger is what I want. "More than anything." I respond.
Jaxon raises his arm hailing down a black cab. The cab signals and pulls over to pick us up. I can't remember the last time I got in one of these. Oh wait... I do remember, I got in a black cab the night Alex took me back to his house share. The night I allowed him to take my virginity. Stupid Ada. Why did I lose myself in my thoughts again? Now I'm gazing out of the window feeling claustrophobic. I try to avoid looking about the crowd. All those business people, tourists, students walking about as if they know what they are doing. Everyone knows what to do, except me.