Somewhere, Someday

5

"I have loved you for many years. Maybe I am just not enough."

~~~

"You're coming out with us tonight!" Kristina shouts through the speaker, her voice banging through my hangover. It's always another night and another party-- just another night to keep the hangover going.

Sometimes it's fun going to parties with Kristina, no one wondering where I am or when I'll be back. It's liberating at times, being free and having no limits. I used to feel bad for myself about having parents that don't care, but now I'm thankful no one is ever asking me where I am. 

My school books are now in the corner of my room, their old home in my bookbag abandoned now. Sometimes I reminiscent about the back-breaking pains from carrying those heavy books everywhere, and I realize how much happier I am now. I'm living my life to the fullest, or at least that's what Kristina's been saying to me.

A car honk sounds outside--and without even checking--I know it's David's car. Sometimes Kristina picks me up, but more often than not, David tends to come around with his old, rusty pickup. His car makes a sound of struggle, a sound that lets us all know it's on its last leg.

I grab my bag and walk out of the house, my phone is hand as I lock the door and make my way over to Kristina and David. Kristina is already riding shotgun, which means that I am stuck--as always--with the backseat. 

"Get in bitch," Kristina jokingly says to me, the word rolling so carelessly off of her tongue. We always call each other "bitch" these days, a newfound term of endearment for each other. 

"All right calm down," a huge grin spreads across her face, and I can't help but put one on myself. Kristina and I pretty much have our own language developed now, the both of us simply understanding each other with just facial expressions.

I shimmy into the back seat, careful not to rip the tattered seatbelt out of its hold like I have done many times before. David keeps his gaze forward, his eyes not meeting mine as I climb into his truck. 

"Sarah,'' David finally speaks up, his eyes practically glancing towards me in the back seat. David always acts awkward when I'm around, as if he really just doesn't want to be near me. Kristina and I make fun of how stiff he acts, how he tends to make everything tenser between us. 

"David, do you have social anxiety?" Kristina jokes with him, her hand slapping his arm playfully. David smiles over at her, a gesture that weirdly makes me jealous. I guess Kristina and David are just closer than him and I, well at least for now. 

"Kristina if you fucking hit me again while I'm driving I will end up crashing and killing us all." Kristina just laughs along, not worried about pissing or angering David at all. She's so unlike me, so unafraid while I'm always scared to take the leap. 

"Kristina," I say, warning her not to engage in any more fighting with the driver. She's like a child though, always wanting to run around and have fun-- irresponsible fun that is. Although I like it, sometimes the party scene just gets old after awhile--well, at least for me it does. Lately, I've been to more parties than I can count on both of my hands. I'm having my party moment, the time of my life where I can just be young and carefree without any consequences.

The rest of the car ride to the party is driven in silence. Silence used to be all I ever wanted to hear, but now I need the constant sound of party music in my ears to feel sane. Is it really wrong to change your personality and preferences so quickly? Maybe I'm just supposed to always be addicted to the music and the thrill of it all. Maybe before I was just blinded by what my idea of fun was. I have come to find out that instead of constantly studying for tests and quizzes, the party life is much more fun and exhilarating. They might always consist of the same old games, but at least it keeps a constant ringing in my ears.