OPULENCE | Freddie Mercury Fanfiction

8. Wicked!

My first mistake? Drinking. Does drinking really make you feel better? 'Ultimately, rarely' says my own Hindsight 20/20.

A slice of how my life's going...

My second mistake? Not following my first mind about Freddie. He thought he could get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I don't know why I even allowed myself to get tied up in all of that in the first place.

Nothing happened. I mean, I guess he doesn't really owe me an explanation or anything, persay. But.. it's the principle of the matter isn't it?

My day is already rolling into itself. I'm running on nowhere near enough sleep.

If I'm honest with myself, really honest... I'm not over it. I'm just not. As much as I want to be strong, I'm still hurting.

Did I let Christian down? Is it my fault there's no more "us?"

I looked at the clock hanging over my vanity, seeing that an entire hour of the morning had already been wasted. Now I'm going to be behind on my way to Dior. Why do I allow myself to get distracted like this? I know what I need to do. I need to focus.

"Men." My lips curled with disgust as I blocked out another particular memory I wanted to bury and delete.

Drawing my heavy curtains closed, I pulled the stopper and drew water into my bathroom sink bowl. I like watching it fill up like this... In a way, it's calming. I wish my mind would settle with more ease.

When water flows, it's this tranquil peace. When you hear it, it's pace is perfect. It's adaptable. Even when fast, it's right on time. Water cares not of the movements made yet supports and flows all the same.

Lovely how Eleanor had left both red and pink roses in today's vases. She knows I like those. How thoughtful. I dropped a few petals into the filling sink, watching them weigh under the water.

Closing my eyes, I immersed my face into water, hoping it's coolness on my skin to cleanse my thoughts. Exactly how many shame tornados do I live through per day? I'd be scared to tally it up.

Never seem to get it right when it comes to the "love" thing. With Christian, things just slipped through my fingers, even though I knew it was happening. Maybe it's just, I don't know. He was just.. the first guy I ever really felt I really connected with. He really "got" me. I miss that.

With Freddie, it was so easy to just forget about all of that. But, was it something I said? Maybe his Hindsight 20/20 kicked in for him too this morning.

As intrusive as ever, no knocking, mother stormed into my suite and threw a stack of paper at me. "What's this??"

Lifting my head and drying my face, I squinted at a lease for the guest house drawn up in Eleanor's name that I'd requested from our attorney. "She has nowhere else to go. Without a suitable living arrangement, she could lose Oliver."

"You're so dramatic about everything Estella," mother threw back what was probably her third glass of brandy before 10am. "Turning our home into some homeless shelter for maids.. handing out ten thousand dollars to the help like candy.."

There she goes, possessed by her poison, silencing me like she always has. My body stiffened as my entire being tried to avoid THE memory I never wanted to relive. "You don't care about anyone but yourself."

She couldn't even bear to look at me, only shrugged, knowing her silence would draw me out.

"Are you horrified with yourself yet???" I hate how she got under my skin. I hate what she did to me even more. I hated most that she tried to forget. "Do you go to bed at night thinking about how disgusting you are?"