Actually I'm Insecure

Rebound

I've liked Xavier since the beginning, but he didn't. I know he didn't because he was devoted to my friend Lilah. Once he and Lilah broke up Xavier immedately went to me to say he loved me. Once Lilah didn't want him he was so eager to suduce me, to hold my hand, to use me, to make my heart flutter with attention that I had never recieved before. I didn't want to be his rebound, I knew thats all I was to him. I didn't want to let him treat me like that so I didn't tell him about my feeings. Despite never telling him I reciprocated his feelings he treated me as if I was his girlfriend, he held my hand, he put his arm around me, he laid his head in my lap, he texted me daily, he even got me gifts. I expressed I was slightly uncomfortable with this behavior because physical contact scares me and I felt odd about how quicly he bounced from Lilah to me. Xavier tried to tell me, to SWEAR to me that he always had feelings for me but thought a relationship between us would never happen so he went after Lilah. I don't know why he thought this was a better answer. 

These interactions continued to happen but started getting less frequent, I thought that he may have just given up but I thought too much of him. Lilah started messaging him again and he forgot all about me. At first I was quite jealous and somewhat hurt because part of me really wanted to believe he really liked me. Later I became relieved beause I figured he'd stop being so touchy feely with me  but once more I was wrong.

Despite his flirting with Lilah and how interested he was in Lilah again whenever he would come down to visit he'd hold my hand, lay in my lap, and lean against me. I was so confused, he liked Lilah, but then why was he doing this? Despite how much this situation confused me and stressed me out I still liked him. He was the only one who gave me this type of attention.

My jealousy towards Lilah became serious. Anytime she'd bring him up or show their messages I'd feel my heart ache and my veins burn. I buried my feelings down so deep that I didn't even realize I was jealous until this year. 

And with this year came more drama of course, because why not? Lilah has a boyfriend yet she has had constant flings with Xavier, only online though. Anytime Lilah ignores Xavier he comes crawling back to me to get attention and to tell me he loves me and that I'm cute. I still don't want to be his rebound but I also get legitimatly angry when he will actively avoid me or stop talkig to me in favor of Lilah. It hurts more than I'd like to admit and I'm not sure what I even want anymore.