Actually I'm Insecure

Who Am I

I struggle with myself and my personality a lot. I struggle with the basic, "no one likes me, i'm annoying, everyone hates me" type of stuff but I have a lot more than that.

My whole life I was praised for faking my confidence and not showing my true emotions so one day when I was reall young I guess my brain just decided it had a wonderful idea. My brain decided that to ensure praise and people's favor I would make sure to show off my inherently positive or good traits. I would sort and choose from my wardrobe of personalities and hand pick traits I thought the person or people I was going to be around would like best. I swear I didn't start doing this on purpose. I never wanted to feel fake, to know people only like me because I hand crafted a version of myself I know they'd like, I never wanted to never truly know who I am inside. I never wanted this.

I needed to survive. I had to. Changing for those around me was my survival tactic. It was how I learned to stay a float. I watched my mom de disappointed in my sister for being sensitive or too soft so I would be hard hearted and stubborn. My friends were all bubbly and positive so I'd be positive and energetic to the point that I'd be so drained and tired after school or anytime we hung out. My friends needed someone to listen to them, I'll be there of course. My friends are loud and outgoing, well despite my introverted nature I be loud and involved no matter how tired I'd get.

This tactic helps and hurts at the same time. On one hand if people don't like me it's fine because it's not really me anyways but on the other it stabs me right through the chest because then I feel like I'm not even likable when I make myself the best possible version of me. Sometimes it backfires in the way that I'll start to let my guard down and people begin to slip through my fingers and I have to put the mask right back on to ensure they don't leave me.

There are times I desperately grasp onto those who try to leave me and I'll continuously put them above myself. Other times I sit and wallow, wondering how I could possibly be so unlikable. If you couldn't tell by now I have some serious abandonment issues and I can't handle when anyone leaves my life, even if its better for the both of us.

Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like an empty shell when my by myself. I just feel hallow and empty or I watch TV shows and YouTube to fill the void I feel growing. By watching people or characters I'm able to forget about the emptiness that creeps into my heart more and more everyday. The longer this goes on the harder it is for me to even begin to find who I originally was, if I even existed in the first place.