Actually I'm Insecure

Hard Heart

I was always told I have a hard heart. My mom would comment on how I was so lucky to be so not sensitive and strong, to let no one get to me and be confident. My mother would always praise me for being so sure of myself and how good it was for me to basically let no one in and how little I talked about what bothered me. From a young age I was praised for bottling up my emotions, my trust issues, and feigning confidence. Because of this praise I kept my emotions close, I never let anyone know how I truly felt, I regulated my emotions to the point where I subconsciously began to pick and choose what emotions, interests, and opinions I let out around different groups of people. 

Despite my feigned confidence and composure I'm actually really scared, sad, worried, anxious, upset and more but I never let it show because of all the praise I got for being "strong".  Bottling up emotions is a defense mechanism that my brain has completely latched onto. I was at a Sunday church service and the pastor was saying that one wants to let their heart be soft and malleable because those with hard hearts of stone don't let kindness or love truly touch their hearts. I'd never felt my reality shift so quickly. My whole life I had buried my feelings, stayed "strong", and suffered alone in silence because I was raised to think it was the better thing to do when in reality closing yourself off is one of the worst things you can do. I've learned recently that it takes more strength to let others in and be vulnerable than to push people away and conceal.

I'm trying to be malleable. I'm trying to let my stone heart melt because it's what's best for me and those around me. It's really hard though, a lot harder than I was truly expecting to be honest. Going against every instinct I created, every rule I set for myself, and breaking down every wall I've built is really quite challenging. I'm trying though, I really am trying to get better.