Reviewer- ElysiumKingdom
Writing Style:
Your style is quite a simple one and it allows for easy reading and a good understanding of what is happening. You manage to distribute information evenly, bringing the reader up to speed without info-dumping and allowing for it to flow naturally, along with creating a clear picture of what is happening.
There are also some thoughts and phrases mingled throughout which I found to be quite deep and meaningful. The simple manner in which they're executed makes them oddly beautiful.
The writing strengthens with progression, and chapter by chapter it's easy to spot the improvements. They're nice to see because I feel that being able to spot improvements like that show that an author cares enough to put the work into battering their work.
My only advice in terms of that would be to consider adding a touch more awareness to the other character's action/ placement. Not all scenes need it; as a reader, I was always left with a good general idea of where the characters were, setting wise, as well as who was in the scene and a general image of what the environment looked like. But there were instances where the room was otherwise blank and there is no concept of where the characters are to each other distance-wise, or much acknowledgement or detail given to their actions. The amount of characters in a scene does seem to hold an effect on that.
It's a small thing and although it can cause a lapse in picturing everything in the scene, it doesn't interrupt the flow or the understandability of what's happening. I do feel as though the first chapter in particular would benefit from a bit more visual perception.
Also, be careful of head-hopping. It's not common enough for it to impact the story, but I did notice it happening.
Plot:
The plot has a realistic feel to it.
Faran just seems so . . . tired? He just seems so mentally drained. It's apt. It goes well with his character and the hardships he's facing. Being uncertain if his siblings are trustworthy and having his father's shadow lingering around his choices, it's easy to relate to how he's feeling.
As for the events happening, the state of Salic and how it is for its inhabitants, that was oddly eye-opening. There are elements within that do happen in places and it does make it all the more relatable.
The base plot is one I've seen a few times, heir taking over and going against what the pre-successor wanted or stood for, but it is done well and created a very original feel.
The pacing is well done. It's nice and steady. It allows for the reader to process the information given without too much happening to overwhelm, but it doesn't drag or lose the reader's interest. By the end of each chapter, it feels as though an appropriate amount of progression had happened.
Grammar and Punctuation:
There is an inconsistency in how you write. Most sentences are well written and grammatically correct, but now and again you will slip into the habit of writing in fragments and incomplete sentences. It will correct itself and revert, but then you'll come across another batch of paragraphs with the same fragmented, snappy layout and right back to flowing properly.
In one of the earlier chapters there was an inconsistency with capital letters. They were used in the right places, but you were also using them after commas and occasionally just a random word would be capitalized. I think it was in one of the first three, but it was really only that chapter where they appeared quite so irregular. In the others, it doesn't really occur.
Dialogue should be capitalized regardless of where in a sentence it begins. Ellipses inside the speech marks, before the dialogue begins, is something you do often. My advice would be to cut them out. As they're generally used to show pauses or trailing off, they're not really effective in their placement, and can create an untidy look. You do tend to overuse them too, which takes away from the impact they would have if used less. I would also suggest leaving a gap between the last dot and the following word.
Using action to portray the desired effect of some of your ellipsis usage could be more beneficial, as well as exchanging it for alternative forms of punctuation. Em dashes do a good job of connecting a continuing sentence that was disrupted by action, or to signify a person being interrupted stopping mid-sentence.
When writing dialogue, the closing punctuation depends on what follows. If an action comes after the spoken narrative, a full stop should be used. If that's the case then a capital letter should be used for the first word of the action. If the spoken words are followed by a dialogue tag then a comma should be used and the tags should all be lower case.
Overall thoughts:
It has a creeping effect. Line by line it becomes that little bit more gripping and it does make the reader want to continue reading to see what's going to happen next. It avoids clichés and manages to reflect the matureness of the characters' ages. I think with the right audience it has the potential to do well.
Any questions, feel free to ask.
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