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23. His Ransom Queen

Estherville123

Reviewer- ElysiumKingdom

Blurb:

Short, sweet and right to the point. Two sentences, but impactful and enough to spike curiosity. I found it cute and surprisingly informative.

Writing Style:

The way you write is enjoyable and vivid. There are a lot of details present, and the descriptions are clear and easy to envision, and a lot of time and effort clearly went into them.

Your vocabulary is vast and extensive, and some of your word choices are almost artistically done, amplifying a scene and making what could have been simple into something beautiful.

However, be careful. For the most part the variety in vocabulary is an aid to your writing, but there are occasions where you fall into the trap of adding big and complicated words to try and make it sound more sophisticated. A lot in quick succession, especially if not that common, can take away from the writing as it can cause a reader, especially the younger ones, to stop to figure out what the word means or how it relates to the story. It can also cause some of the sentences to come off as over-complicated.

Plot:

The retelling of fairy tales isn't that uncommon, but it's always delightful to see the unique interpretation and personalization that each author adds.

Right from the get go, your own twist becomes apparent. It pushes you right into the storyline and leaves little chance to grow bored.

The pace is moderate, finding a nice flow that neither drags nor rushes, allowing for the reader to immerse in the story.

Grammar and Punctuation:

The sentences could do with a little work every now and again. There are times you tend to run two sentences into one, dividing with a comma instead of a period. Some sentences, when a lot is happening in them, can get wordy, and there a few that I feel would run smoother if reworded ever so slightly, or the order was shifted around for maximum impact, but they're not overly common to see.

The word choices do not always complement each other, but that can be as small as one word clashing with a single other in the sentence, which isn't anything worth stressing over.

The start of any spoken dialogue should be capitalized, even when following on from a sentence. So even if an action or a dialogue tag, such as 'and then he said,' comes before the speech, the first spoken word should still be marked by a capital. The same, with exceptions, applies to speech that is broken up by actions but then continued.

Ellipsis, the dot dot dot sequence that you sometimes use, should always be three dots long.

However, when you do use them, your placements can be incorrect.

There's quite a few times I've seen them used before punctuation. You'll use two dots to delay a question mark from backing a word. Cut the dots out and place the question mark directly after the word.

You double dot at the end of sentences too instead of using a single period. Not all the time, but enough that I noticed it.

Dialogue punctuation should be a comma if followed by a dialogue tag. Full stop if followed by an action. Dialogue tags should always be lower case, with the exception of names, whereas action following narrative should be capitalized.

Character:

So far, she seems ordinarily complex. I like that she isn't a complete Mary Sue, and I like how her character offers the intricacy to contradict itself but remain consistent. She seems brave and determined, but her moments of weakness and vulnerability are displayed, humanizing her and capturing the gravity of the situation.

It's not always clear what she's thinking or feeling, especially if there's a lot of attention on scenery or a lot of action taking place, but that doesn't really impact the story, or her development that much. She seems well thought out.

Overall thoughts:

It was enjoyable. Despite it being a retelling, the main plot seems insignificant compared to the sub-plot journey that is created. Mabelle has a way of making the story her own, and it's easy to get caught up in the moment.

Any questions, feel free to ask.