Diamond Review Shop- Open

2. The Enemy Beside Me

Reviewer- ElysiumKingdom

Reviewed- The Enemy Beside Me by Aeolian

Cover:

I do like your cover. It's not too hard to read, and it is neat and the color scheme goes well together. However, at first glance, my initial thought about the story was that it was going to be an Anime fanfiction.
While it does go with the Japanese element to the book, it could also be a deterrent to readers who are not partially keen on anime.

Title:

I actually do quite like the title. It holds an element of mystery and it draws you in. It had me laying bets with myself what kind of book it would be. From enemies to lovers, or secrets and despair. It held the potential to be a cliché book, or something else entirely, and the uncertainty, I found, was appealing.

Blurb:

The blurb is quite informative. I feel it portrays the story well, as well as sets the theme for the book. However, there are one or two clunky sentences, or parts that could be worded slightly better to make it flow smoother.

The second paragraph, my recommendation would be to change it from

'Just when he thinks everything is getting worse-'

To something along the lines of

'Just when he thinks that things couldn't possibly get any worse-'

The recommendation for the change is because when its neighbors with the continuous information outside of the em dashes, it changes the effect. If he's already thinking things are getting worse, then he's already anticipating the worst. If he thinks that it couldn't get any worse, then it portrays his annoyance at being proved wrong. Though, of course, that is completely at your discretion as it isn't necessarily written wrong.

In the third paragraph, I would also recommend changing the word 'won't' to wouldn't.

There are one or two missing commas, but besides from that, I think it's pretty solid. It tells us all the relevant information, as well as building up a scene of what we can expect. Great job!

Grammar and punctuation:

In terms of grammar and punctuation, it becomes clear quite early on that you do have quite a good grasp on it. It's neat enough and pleasing on the eye, which makes for a smooth read. You do have missing commas in places, and one or two sentences could be reworded as in a few instances they don't hold the effect that I think they were meant to have.

The first paragraph of the first chapter, for example.

Staring at my packed suitcase, I contemplate one more time if I can convince mum to let me stay here in Zone 3 because there's no way I'll fly twelve or more hours and live in Zone 1 for a whole year.

The sentence, in a way, contradicts itself a little. Firstly, I would advise breaking it into two separate paragraphs to make it easier to read. The contradiction presents itself at the fact that his bags are already packed, and he's trying to convince his mother to let him out of it; stating that there's no way in hell that he'll fly and live in Zone one makes it seem as though it hasn't already been decided.

However, those mistakes are only minor, and it's still clear to a reader what was meant.

There is a tense issue in places. It's written in the present tense, and the consistency is very well done. You rarely slip from present to past. There are, however, some occasions that you do need to. When referring to past events, some of them should have been written using the past tense.

Example, not the best one, but the one I found first, being:

I'm also being offered to be an actor.

It doesn't flow or sound entirely right. My suggestion, which is only that and not dictating that you should apply it, is to change it to something along the lines of:

I'd/I've also received a pending offer to become an actor.

Overall, your grammar and punctuation are more than acceptable. You have the basics down to a tee, and the only real mistakes I saw were when I was being nit-picky.

Plot:

Firstly, let me just say that as a Brit, I found Jaxson's humor and personality to be a riot. I loved his inner monologue, and I found myself smiling every time I found a British phrase. It appealed to my tea-drinking nature!

I actually found it to be highly enjoyable. I like the distinction of Zones instead of countries. I felt it really worked in your favor in making your story unique. I like that a lot is going on at once, whilst being able to maintain a steady-going plot.

There's mystery and a touch of angst and comedy mixed in, and I found that they complemented one another quite well. From the first chapter I found myself wanting to know more about his mother's response as to why they moved around so much.

Character:

As I said, I found his character to be very enjoyable, and his level of sarcasm and snideness related to my own. For me, that made him stand out. He demands attention, and his attitude is so in your face that as a reader, you'll either love him or hate him, but either way, you will remember him.

The way he breaks the fourth wall so casually is also well done. In some stories, it completely steals away from the story, but the way you've introduced it makes it enhance his personality.

Overall thoughts:

It was a memorable read and I enjoyed it.

I found that if I hadn't read the blurb prior to starting the book, then I would have been a little bit confused as to how the Zones worked for the majority of the first chapter. The brief explanation that was in the summary and missing from the first few paragraphs made quite the difference. However, the confusion doesn't last as it is explained in more depth later on.

You have a lot of strengths in writing, and it does show. Your writing style holds a mark, and I found it to be quite distinctive.

My only criticism would be that there are places where the scenery/ background environment felt missing. It takes away from your scene as it creates a limit on what the reader can imagine.

For instance, the opening scene. It states that there is a packed suitcase, but where is the suitcase? In the hallway? In the bedroom? There's no feel to whether they live in a large house or a dingy apartment. We're left to fill that entire gap in with very little to go off. It makes it even harder because as its the opening scene, we knew nothing about these characters, so we can't even rely on their personalities to fill in the blanks.

Overall, it was a great read, and it would be one I recommended.

If there are any questions, or you wish for me to elaborate on anything, feel free to ask!