Alexis' Diary (Tom Hiddleston fanfic/romance story)

27/02/2001 Tuesday

A/N: Oh My Fuking GOD! She finally posted AAAAAAAAAAA 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉. Seriously though I'm sorry, I've been lazy and working on my music, self promo lol. You know if I am gonna self promo Fuck it check out our insta, Facbook, TikTok and Youtube @ellie&charlotte if you wanna see what I've been doing. Anyway enjoy XD.

⚠I forgot to warn you guys that there is mention of self harm so discretion is advised.

Yes, I know it's been a while, I didn't have enough strength to write.

All thanks to me 😉

Fuck you. Do you have any idea what you did to me.

3 panic attacks and a cutting session while Tom wasn't here. We can't have you pining over a stupid boy. I've got to put you in check some days. I'm your best friend, not him.

What so you're jealous?

Yes, I fucking well I am! I've been your friend for years, but you go and ruin that when you think it's okay to have a boyfriend. Now you're trying to get rid of me with that bitch Stephanie for what the 7th time now. I'm not going away Alexis.

I'm sorry that you feel abandoned, but you came to me. this isn't a friendship, and I don't want you here! I'm in pain because you decided to make me harm myself. I made Tom feel so guilty about the fact he wasn't there for me. He had a perfectly good reason and YOU thought it would be better to do that other than just letting me be.

Where's the fun in that?!

THERE IS NONE! SO BE QUIET AND LET ME ENJOY MY LIFE! I HATE WHAT YOU DO TO ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO HURT!

...I- I'm, I'm sorry, Alexis. I'm sorry.

YOU FUCKING SHOULD BE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!

Alexis I'm sorry just please calm down.

YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME! FACE THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCE!

I shut the cover of my diary in frustration after reflecting on the past week. It was hard without Tom; I'll spare you the details but without him I had 3 panic attacks. Like she said, and that 'session'. It was hard cleaning myself up afterwards, I haven't had to do it in such a long time thanks to Tom, and just being mentally stable enough not to feel like doing it to release my pain. But I cleaned myself up non the less and felt so ashamed thinking about all the mess I made. I made Tom clean this shit up. How selfish can I be.

I can answer that one for you.

I don't need you to. Anyway I cleaned and looked after myself well enough to live. I guess after doing it for so long, I've been accustomed to just letting it happen and ensuring that if and when I woke up, that I would always be the one to clean up the mess. Mainly to hide it.

You don't need to hear any more about that, umm, God give me a minute... right I'm ready now.

Tom came back on the Thursday afternoon like he said, but he wasn't really happy to see me looking almost dead. It wasn't long after I had, well you know, I had felt like Tom wasn't coming back so I got too overwhelmed. GOD STOP MAKING ME TALK ABOUT IT!

Heh, sorry.

Tom saw me and his smile faltered. I fell into his arms sobbing.

"Alexis... I was gone for a week. I-I" he stuttered in shock as he held my head.

I felt Tom's teras on my head which made me cry more. I did this, this is all my fault.

"Shh Lex, this isn't your fault," Tom whispered. I pushed him off me and screamed.

"Whose fault is it then?! Because it's not FUCKING YOURS!" I fell onto my knees and sobbed into my hands. "I'm sorry, fuck I'm sorry Tom. I just..."

"Shh, I understand, everything's okay now. Just breathe darling, I'm here and nothing's going to happen. You're safe Alexis and I love you, more than anything."

My harsh sobs slowly turned into soft whines as Tom picks my up and carries me to bed. It was difficult for him; I could tell but he didn't want to worry me. We stayed lying down hugging each other for a while, letting the silence and the warmth of Tom's body try and calm me down. Until Tom broke the silence.

"Have I got much work to do?" He asked whispering.

I shook my head, "We have a practice paper and analysis to do so not much. Professor Williams also tried set just us an extra essay to do."

"That's wrong. Are you sure she didn't set it for anyone else?"

"What do you think Tom? She hates us both, and she said, 'you two deserve to be given more work'," I replied, using Williams' snarky, horrible tone.

"Don't worry darling, we can get it done. Have you talked to Stephanie this week?" He asked as he lifted his hand. He started stroking my hair, I sighed and smiled gently, feeling insecure about smiling straight after crying so hardly.

"I spoke to her yesterday after I ate."

"Did it help?"

"I don't know... at the time I think so, but it feels different now?"

I felt Tom nod his head, but he paused, "did you... and I want you to be honest. Did you harm yourself at all?"

I didn't answer which ultimately answered Tom's question.

"When?"

"Before you knocked, I finished cleaning up," I mumbled and felt Tom's top dampen as I began crying again.

"Let me take a look, okay?" Tom moved beside me and rolled up my sleeves. For some reason I felt the most insecure I've ever been, and I've had multiple doctors look at my arms, strangers to me. Tom's seen my arms enough times for us both to be comfortable, but I just felt so nervous; I don't know why.

Tom leant down and kissed each of my cuts, even my scars, I felt my tears fall more, he hadn't done this before, and it hurt me more.

"I'm sorry I left you Lexis," Tom said holding my cheek. He wiped the tears away and I shook my head.

"You had to go; I was just stupid."

"No... you weren't stupid. You needed me and I wasn't there."

"But it's not your fault. This was going to happen, please don't blame yourself Tom. It's inevitable."

"And you let you blame yourself, no Alexis," Tom looked down sternly at me like a petulant child, "let me take the blame, lord knows you fight yourself more than enough. You don't need this."

I everted my gaze and drifted off to sleep when I felt a kiss placed gently on my forehead.

A/N: Like usually I'd say it's short bc it is for me, but it was short and shite. This took me too long to write and I literally have no explanation. The next chapter will be better.❤❤❤