Disgusting.
Disgusting.
Disgusting.
Those three words repeated in her head non stop as she hid in the practice room bathroom. She ate lunch with Sooyoung that day, and at first she felt fine but when she was alone she started to feel intense regret and disgust. She cried, almost being able to feel the food she ate transforming into more fat on her body.
She knew there was at least one way to get rid of it all.
With shaky arms and legs she wiped the tears from her eyes. She kneeled by the toilet, her mind racing at what she was about to do. It was dangerous, but she couldn't take it. She wanted to be empty.
She closed her eyes, and stuck two of her fingers as far back down her throat as she could. She could feel her body retch and gag as she did it over and over, desperate for the food to just leave her body. It worked, after a minute of her body trying to resist, she managed to vomit what she had eaten into the toilet.
She did it repeatedly until all that came up was a foul tasting bile. She flushed the toilet before collapsing onto the floor. Her entire body shook and her head felt as if it was pounding. She didn't dare try and get up because she knew that she would just end up back where she was.
She hated the way she was. She hated that in just four months she had gone from not caring about her weight to throwing up one of the few meals she ate. She hated that no matter how much weight she lost she still looked the same or even bigger.
As she prepared for her debut she ate even less, sometimes going multiple days without eating. No one particularly noticed because she was always either in the practice room or the studio. She didn't want anyone to notice because she knew if they found out she would end up in some hospital and her dreams would be ruined. It terrified her.
She would be lying to say she wasn't scared to debut. The news had already come out about SM debuting a new soloist and there were already mixed reactions. She saw a lot of the comments — good and bad. Some were excited while some were less than enthusiastic, insulting her while demanding that SM not forget about f(x) or Girls Generation. There were already pictures of some trainees up on websites as people tried to debate on who the soloist would be.
The attention the announcement alone gathered made her even more nervous and terrified. She wanted everything to be perfect. It had to be. Everyone's expectations were high since it was a big company and she didn't want to disappoint.
After the shakiness throughout her body finally subsided she made it back into the empty practice room. She picked up the remote off the floor and hit the play button before she tossed it back down. After a second her song Uh - Oh! began playing, the hip hop type beat echoing around the room.
She lost count of how many times she ran through the song. She would keep going until she could no longer stand on her own feet, only giving herself 5 to 10 minutes to rest before she was up and practicing again. She did that over and over, practicing nonstop from when she woke up until well after midnight before she finally decided to go to bed.
She didn't even know how she made it home that night. Her body felt as if it would collapse under her own weight, though she had lost even more weight within a short timeframe. She hardly ate, and what she did eat she ended up throwing up right after.
She didn't bother changing whenever she arrived back. Her body felt too tired so instead she laid down on the bed as her head throbbed in pain. She would sleep if she could, but some nights the hunger pains would keep her up for hours at a time.
