Three's a crowd

40

I didn't wait or say a word as I ran past both his parents and took off running down their driveway. A car ride would have taken about five minutes for me to get home, but on foot was going to take me at least fifteen or twenty.

I walked off of the main route to get home. I knew Riley would follow me, but with as broken as I was feeling I didn't have it in me to listen to whatever excuses he had.

I eventually found myself at the park, staring at the bench where it all began. The day I thought was the worst day of my life paled in comparison to how crushed I felt right in this moment.

I turned away from it and walked into the playground, sitting on one of the swings pushing myself forward and back as grey clouds gathered above me. It was as if even the weather knew the pain I was in and was willing to cry with me.

I kept pushing myself slowly, forward and back on the swing as droplets of tears landed on my legs. It took a few minutes to realize that it was rain rather than tears but I didn't have the energy to move. I was stuck in my shell of pain and heartbreak.

As the rain began to fall harder I hoped it would relieve me, as if it somehow had the power to wash away the devastation and pain in my chest.

"Britt?" A voice called but I ignored it, letting the downpour soak every single inch of me.

"Britt? Fuck!" Bretts voice came from behind me. "What are you doing here? Come on!" He grabbed me, putting his jacket over my soaked clothes and ushering me to his car.

I didn't speak as he turned the heat on and drove me to my house, I just let the tears slip silently down my cheeks and the pain manifest across my whole body.

When we pulled up at my house, Brett insisted on walking me to the door, but as soon as I noticed the bright red mustang parked outside I bolted up to my room without a second glance and locked the door without even thanking Brett.

As soon as the door was locked I broke into tiny little pieces on my floor. My body was shaking uncontrollably as I sobbed and whimpered against the fluffy throw pillow I clutched to my chest.

"Britt, please let me explain!" Riley's voice carried through the door as I pretended not to hear him even as he continued to knock.

I could hear mom telling him to give me space before one of my parents, I assumed mom, moved him away from the door.

I was still in my wet clothes when I closed my curtains and climbed into bed. I still clutched my pillow tightly as I let the darkness of the room consume my body, the darkness of my heartbreak consuming my mind.

I tried to close my eyes, hoping the exhaustion of crying and the dark room would somehow make it easier to block it all out, as if sleep was the remedy I needed to feel less shattered, less broken.

Instead all I found was my own insecurities piling up in my head. Is something wrong with me? Am I not enough for him anymore? Was she prettier than me? More experienced sexually?

My dad had knocked on my door at some point and told me that he was putting some food outside the door for me, but the thought of food churned my stomach, especially since the thought of Riley going behind my back with someone else made me nauseous.

I had been trying so hard to be what he wanted. To move on from everything, I had ran away from Kyle to avoid giving off the impression that I would reciprocate the feelings he had for me, all while Riley was cheating on me.

Worst of all was the soul wrenching realization that I had believed him all this time. I had trusted him, shared my deepest secrets with him and given him a special part of me that I could never give to anyone else.

I guess I was stupid to think that he would cherish it. I had savored every intimate moment between us, especially that first time, and yet he had chosen to throw it back in my face.

I got up at one point to grab the plate of food, not to eat it, but because my dad would break my door down if he thought I didn't eat it. Instead I dumped it into the toilet and flushed it away, the way I wished I could flush all the pain away.

I couldn't though. My mind wouldn't turn off, savored memories I had shared with Riley now tainted with what if's.

What if each of those memories, those tender moments that meant everything to me, meant absolutely nothing to him. What if he was thinking of her when we were together.

It was all I could think about, all I could see. Each time I closed my eyes I saw him, his hands touching someone else, his lips kissing her, his body loving hers.

I darted up and ran to my bathroom, throwing up through a fresh wave of tears that took over me. I couldn't make sense of any of it, every time I tried I would gag and then throw up again and again until there was nothing left.

By the time I had finally crawled back into my bed I had no sense of what time it was. I picked up my phone and flipped it over to check the time.

I wasn't shocked that it was four thirty in the morning, but the seventeen missed calls, multiple voicemails and dozens of text messages caught me off guard.

I didn't have it in me to look, or to even want to see what was in them. The caller ID told me that they were all Riley expect for a few messages from Ava, Kyle, and Brett — although they were probably all for the same thing.

Obviously I hadn't managed to self destruct enough because I found myself looking at old pictures of Riley and I together. Pictures from when we started dating, Hawaii, our cabin trip in the mountains.

The last picture was taken recently, the day when Riley took me on an impromptu drive after a hard day at school. One of the many times he had gone out of his way to cheer me up.

Looking at it now I couldn't help but wonder if it was all part of some game, a show for everyone around us to watch and gossip about.

As if he could sense what I was doing his face flashed across the screen. We both had school in a few hours, although I was certain I was not going. I couldn't face everyone's stares and gossiping, anymore than I could face him right now.

I let the call go to voicemail, trying to tame the flutter in my chest when it immediately rang again.

How could my heart betray me like this when I felt like every part of my soul was dying slowly? It made no sense that he could break me, crush me under his thumb and still all I wanted was to hear him say it was okay.

A few silent tears slipped down my cheeks before I finally decided to turn my phone off and put it on the dresser.

It was kind of a sad turn of events when I realized that the one person I went too for everything. The person who grounded me and sheltered me whenever a storm barreled through my life, turned into the catastrophic storm of the century that tore down my very being.

No one knew me the way that he did, and no one ever would. Riley had seen me at my happiest and at what used to be my lowest. If he wasn't capable of trust then no one would be, and clearly he wasn't.

I huddled in my blanket before finally letting the darkness of my life overcome me. No dreams, no nightmares, just empty nothingness.

Quiet, eerily peaceful nothingness. The kind that scares you and soothes you at the same time. The kind of nothingness and numbness that has the potential to destroy you, yet at this moment was more comforting than my thoughts.

I didn't know what tomorrow would bring or whether I even wanted to know what would come from any of this, but for now there was at least some peace in the safe haven of darkness in my head.

So I closed my eyes tightly and let myself fall deeper and deeper into the nothingness. At least here in the empty space there was no noise and more than anything, in the darkness there wasn't any more pain.