Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Sixty

Katherine smiled at Phil as she shoved the clothes into the washing machine and closed the door to it, "Phil?" she asked, watching her son take a handful of dry cereal, "Is Dan alright?"

"Yeah." he nodded, scrunching his eyebrows curiously.

She nodded, sighing to herself, "As long as you're sure. He just seemed...off to me. Nothing wrong with you two?"

"Not really. He's worrying about the future a bit, but nothing bad." Phil smiled, opening the fridge to find nothing, so he walked away. He joined his boyfriend in the conservatory as he sat at the piano, oblivious to the world beyond his music. He would've gone up to kiss him, but he didn't want to disturb him.

Dan finished his song, closing the lid and turning around to chuckle at Phil's presence, "Did you sneak in or was I in a trance again?"

"Bit of both." the older boy smiled, walking up to him and kissing the soft patch of skin on Dan's forehead, "You're alright, aren't you?"

"Yeah." Dan unknowingly lied, furrowing his eyebrows and smiling, "Why?"

"Mum's worried about you, that's all." Phil shrugged, "But she does that to everyone."

Dan hummed, standing up and fixing his t-shirt, "Ready to get going, then?"

"Sure." the older boy smiled, picking up his phone from the chair and walking back through the kitchen, "We're going, now," he informed his mother as they trod through.

"Oh, okay!" she beamed, "Take your coats, it's cold."

"We will!" they chanted, chuckling together as they walked out of the house. It was a ten-minute walk to the station, where they'd take a twenty-minute train into Manchester and spend the afternoon and early evening there. They hadn't planned anything extravagant; they just wanted to get away with each other.

"So if we just walk around town, go in shops if we feel like it and then have dinner at four-ish? It should be quiet at that time." Phil suggested, letting the concrete slabs pass beneath his feet as he walked through the town he grew up in.

"Sure." Dan smiled, "And you can show me where you're disappearing to in the Easter."

"Okay." Phil quietly laughed, wrapping his fingers between the younger boy's and letting their arms hang between their hips, "It's nothing exciting."

"I know...!" Dan whined, "I just...it's you, isn't it? I want to be part of..." he didn't quite want to say 'life'.

"I get it." Phil chuckled, "I'd feel the same for you."

Dan hummed; a jolt through his chest as he looked at the floor. He wanted to leave it because it was easier that way. He turned to Phil, stopping him for a moment as he whispered, "Do you ever fear the rest of your life?"

"Why? What do you mean?" he was beginning to wonder if his mum was right.

Dan shrugged, "Like I put more pressure on myself than anyone else possibly could, but that's probably worse because if I don't become something, I won't see the-" he was silenced by his boyfriend's lips on his own, "Okay." he eventually nodded, holding Phil's head with his forearm as he sighed, "Okay."

"Stop worrying, Dan, please." Phil chuckled, "Take each day as it comes. You've got no reason to escape the now, huh? So, don't. Right now is perfect."

Dan nodded, taking in a breath and letting go of the older boy, "Let's get on this train, shall we?"

***

The two boys smiled as they stepped off the platform and along the metal stairs of the station. Dan hummed to himself, looking around as he muttered to Phil, "I've never been to a city."

"Never?" Phil questioned, leading his boyfriend into the open streets where he led them through to the main city. Manchester wasn't anything special, but there was a fair amount of shops in the city centre and a river they could wander by that took them to the restaurant they hoped to go to.

"I'll be a famous actor, one day, and I'll treat you to a luxurious meal neither of us could dream of affording." Dan giggled, overwhelmed by the number of shops surrounding him. He was certain he'd have been to a shopping centre before, maybe even one this big, but it wasn't in his memory. He sighed, turning to Phil, "You know when you're talking to your parents, and they remind you of something from your childhood that you'd otherwise have forgotten?"

"Sure." Phil nodded, eyeing a crêpe stand.

"I won't get those memories back, will I?"

"Oh." Phil took his eyes away and led them to the boy standing timidly by his side, "I suppose not." he wasn't too sure how to respond to his boyfriend's revelation.

Dan took a breath in and shrugged, "Okay, can we go into that clothes store and then we'll get crêpes?"

"You saw me staring, didn't you?" Phil whimpered.

"You were looking at those crêpes as lovingly as you do towards me." Dan rolled his eyes but he couldn't help but smile.

They spent the next couple of hours winding their way through the shops until they left at the other side, taking each other's palms discreetly and walking along the quiet riverbank of the city. It was nearing four o'clock on a January day, so the light still spread brightly around them and against the water beside them. Dan looked at their reflection and smiled, and Phil thought he looked beautiful.

"Can we try and make a heart with our arms?" the shorter boy suddenly asked, unable to tear his eyes from their watery selves.

"Sure." Phil shrugged, giggling as he turned them around and tried to position his arms so it made a somewhat legible heart-shape.

"No, come closer. I mean, farther away." Dan cackled, "Phil you're standing too close it looks like a penis!" he ended up screaming in amusement and shaking his head, giving up on their attempt, "You're useless."

"I was standing perfectly, it was you who was standing too close." Phil pouted playfully.

"No." Dan corrected, "Because every time I stepped back, you moved closer to me. I'm surprised we didn't fall into the fucking water."

"...I'm hungry." Phil crossed his arms and smiled at the younger boy.

"Oh, is that your excuse now?"

The streets were quiet, but the two boys supposed it wasn't unusual for a Wednesday, when the state schools had returned and the adults had to work. It was as they trod along the pavement, when Dan made a promise to himself that he'd never work a nine-til-five job where he was locked away indoors until he was freed by a heartless clock. It didn't suit him.

"Do you want to sit for a while before we go into the restaurant?" the blue-eyed boy asked when they arrived. There were benches cared for by the restaurant, positioned along the riverbank that was designed so it ran up a slope towards the diners.

Dan nodded, zipping up his coat and hiding his hands in his pockets as he took a seat on a black-painted bench. He heard the occasional car go by in the distance, or plates clatter and the people inside talk, but apart from that, and in the gaps between, it was silence. He sighed, resting the side of his head onto the shoulder of the boy he loved, closing his eyes and letting the cold air bite at his chin and nose.

He felt Phil lift his arm and pull the smaller boy closer into his body, not minding the ice of the breeze against the back of his palm. It was nothing in comparison to being able to hold his best friend.

Dan hummed, biting his lips between his teeth. Now would have been a perfect moment to remind Phil that he loved him, and it would have only taken three words whispered past his tongue to say it, but he didn't; neither of them did. You wouldn't heat the ice if you walked on a frozen lake. You wouldn't add gas to a flame that was burning down your house. You wouldn't add fuel to the very thing that could break your heart, and both of them felt too aware.

Phil turned to Dan, lifting his chin up with his finger as he kissed the beautiful boy with whitened skin and red cheeks. He wondered, when his boyfriend became an actor, how many other people he'd kiss. He didn't take his lips away, instead he pulled Dan closer and gripped his waist in his palms. The younger boy squealed, a laugh escaping his throat until they relaxed and they were kissing once again.