Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Thirty-Five

"They're going to tell the other boys, aren't they?" Dan asked Phil as they sat in the younger boy's dorm. They were sat at the other ends of the bed: Phil on his pillow and Dan at the foot of it.

"They're awful at keeping secrets." Phil nodded. Between the two of them, they weren't going to say anything about it. They'd not agreed on it, but neither of them wanted to ignore the kiss, yet neither of them were ready to discuss it. It was strangely comfortable being in each other's presence, as well, at least for two best friends that had their tongues down each other's throats the night before.

"Fuck." Dan sighed, burying his face in his palms. He wasn't sure on anything: how he felt about Phil, why they'd kissed, if it meant anything. He'd never even thought about being gay, but when you're a boy and you enjoyed kissing your male best friend it's a question that comes into one's head.

Phil smiled, his heart racing but not like Dan's, who was completely terrified, but because he was unbelievably happy, "It will be okay." he tried, smiling at the boy.

Dan's hair was unstraightened, and when he tilted his head upwards to see Phil so calmly grinning at him, the wavy strands fell to one side. He chuckled, shaking his head as he realised how much he adored that smile. He took in a breath and nodded, "Right, and even when they do find out, nothing bad will happen. They supported us when they thought we were going out." he pointed out, raising his hand as he spoke.

Phil nodded, "I don't think I'd mind if they thought that now." he chuckled, standing up as he took out his wash kit, "I don't think I minded it then." he paused, standing still for a moment, "I'm going to brush my teeth. You can stay there, if you want."

Dan nodded, turning away from his best friend as he walked out of the room. He let his head fall against the wardrobe behind him as he closed his eyes, letting his thoughts swallow him in one.

"Thinking about someone?" Chris asked. It sounded like it should be a joke and there was a cocky grin to accompany it, yet the tone sounded sincere.

Dan chuckled as tears filled his eyes and his palms subtly fell against his body, "When did you know you were bi?"

"When I jerked off to a gay magazine I found." Chris laughed, sitting beside Dan on Phil's bed, "Yours seems to be much more romantic than that."

Dan nodded, "Fucking hell." he exclaimed as he buried his face in his knees, "I thought that's how it felt when you liked someone as a friend. I thought I'd meet girls once I left school and...I don't know, now it makes sense why I never thought about that." he shrugged.

"Dan...compare how you feel about Phil as to how you do about me."

"When you annoy me I want to punch you." Dan smiled, pulling an amused smirk. It fell from his cheek as he realised, "When Phil annoys me...he doesn't annoy me. It's just him though, right? He doesn't annoy people they just..." he lost his words as he trailed off, "I'm not sure he ever annoyed me." Dan admitted, "I just thought punching him was how I wanted us to touch." he bit his cheeks as his face burnt.

"This sheds a whole new light onto First Form," Chris admitted, Dan throwing his sock at his friend. He laughed, "You have seven days to sort your shit out."

"Why seven?" Dan asked.

"Because I can't bite my tongue for more than a week." Chris winked, standing up and grabbing his friend's shoulder, "Now, come on. Stop smelling Phil's bedsheets and let's get breakfast."

***

It was strange sitting down together as a group of four. None of them said a word at the far end of the table, but instead they shared occasional glances and smiles. Jacob and Mark were sat beside the small group, noticing their silence compared to the light-heartedness that usually surrounded them.

Jacob smirked, raising his eyebrows at the rest of the table before he turned to the four of them, "Everything alright, you guys?" he had a friendly grin spread across his cheeks.

"Of course it is," Dan responded, looking happily down at his bowl of crunchy nut. He'd not had the cereal before. He looked up, shrugging, "We're just tired."

"I'm sure you are." Chris couldn't help but remark.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jacob asked amusedly, crossing his arms and grinning deviously.

"Nothing," Phil warned, darting his eyes up.

"Say, don't you normally sit at the end of the table, Phil, opposite Dan? You have done since you got here. You've never sat next to me before."

Phil bit his lips and sighed. His heart seemed to be jumping and he couldn't stop his brain from replaying the night before, not helping his smile. He exchanged a glance with Chris who seemed to have the truth slipping on the end of his tongue. If he shook his head, the boy wouldn't say anything, but Phil didn't, he just looked down.

Then, the same glance was shared with Dan, but the brown-haired boy was too caught up in his own mind to understand what was going on.

"So?" Mark pushed, "I'm sorry if we took it too far last night and made it awkward between you guys. We thought because Chris and PJ agreed to it, it wouldn't be taken badly..." the poor boy was oblivious.

Chris' face erupted before he blurted to the Third Formers, "They were making out in the laundry cupboard when we found them-"

"Chris!" Dan screamed, throwing his spoon down and cowering into his school uniform.

"I'm sorry!" he lied, giggling away to himself.

"Wait...what?" Jacob furrowed his eyebrows, completely lost, "So...you are gay?"

"Do you have a problem with that?" Phil piped up, glaring at him.

"No, I'm not sharing a dorm with either of you-"

"You are with me, though, and you've known I'm bi since I got here," Chris mumbled.

"True." Jacob nodded, "Right so, have you been together this whole time?"

Dan sighed, wanting to evaporate, "No. I know as much as you do." he spat, "So please don't tell anyone, don't do anything, and keep it to you fucking selves." he stood up, leaving his bowl on the table and walking out of the Dining Hall.

Chris looked around at the shocked faces before standing up, chasing after his friend, "Are you okay?" he called out.

Dan stood at the top of the stairs, turning around and nodding, "Yeah."

"Are you sure? I'm sorry-" he rambled.

"Seriously." Dan reassured, "I'm okay." he smiled painfully, "I don't care if I'm...gay. I don't care what they think. But if this pushes Phil away, I will care. I know how pushing him away for a year and a half felt like."

Chris nodded, gesturing towards their dorm, "Do you want to get your books and go to class?"

"We'll be early." Dan pointed out.

"What a week for firsts."