Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Fifty-Three

It barely felt like a day had passed by the time the two boys were back in their separate bedrooms in the walls of their home. It was a comforting prison of reality, if they were honest. They were told how to live, where to go, and if all else failed they'd live totally average, uninteresting and unfulfilling lives. Dan didn't want that and as each day passed he grew more desperate to escape that. He'd jump on any chance he could.

A few days after they'd arrived home, he was at his grandma's piano with melodies playing from his fingers. It was his escape and he was undeniably good at it, so he could block the world out as it came hurtling towards him. He hummed when he noticed Phil stood at his side, looking at him with a smile on his face.

"Sit down." Dan offered, looking towards the small, cream sofa in the conservatory. Phil nodded, taking a seat and sitting with his feet beside him. The next song that played was one that was instantly familiar, but he couldn't work out why and every passing note that swam through his ears drifting him into an ever-growing desire to remember where he'd heard the tune.

"I know this tune," Phil grumbled, crossing his arms and squinting at his boyfriend.

"You do." Dan giggled, realising he didn't want to escape if he was escaping without Phil, so he brought the very boy he loved into this dream reality.

***

"Excuse me?" Dan asked, pacing up to the man in an ironed suit and a flower tucked into his pocket, "Do you have a moment?"

"Of course." the man, who looked to be about thirty, responded, "What can I help you with?" the pianist was used to people admiring his pieces, or asking what the name of a song he played was, but he had a feeling this was something more personal.

"Yesterday...you were playing Ode to Joy by Beethoven, but it wasn't the normal piece. Did you personalise it yourself?" Dan asked, his back upright, taking the sixteen-year-old to the same height as the five-foot-nine man.

The pianist chuckled, nodding his head, "I did. I've had a few people mention that to me, although more indirectly criticised my massacre of a classic." his beard moved with every word.

"You don't happen to..." Dan wasn't quite sure how to ask for what he wanted, "I play. I want to learn the version you played."

The pianist smiled, nodding his head as he took out some papers that were folded neatly into a briefcase, "This one?" he asked.

"Yes." Dan nodded, looking at the scribbles on the pages.

"I'll leave a copy for you at the front desk. What's your name?"

"Dan. Daniel Howell."

"Ask for the envelope left by Mr Stevenson, for Daniel Howell. I'll have it there for you this evening." he grinned.

"Thank you...very much." young Dan beamed, admiring the work of the pianist.

***

"Ode to Joy?" Phil finally asked as the song began to end, "The version that was played on the cruise."

Dan smiled, nodding his head as he replied, "I asked the pianist for his version. He left a copy for me. I already knew the main piece, it was his extras that I had to learn." he giggled, ending the song and turning his head to see Phil, with Katherine standing in the doorway behind him.

"Boys?" she spoke up, seemingly to have been watching Dan just like his boyfriend was, "Can I talk to you for a moment?" They both nodded, feeling the unsettling tone in the room shift down and their mouths keeping shut. Phil slowly felt sick from his head to his gut and was sure he had paled, "I want you to tell me what's going on."

"What?" Phil squeaked.

"Sorry, I was just playing the piano, do you-" Dan rambled hopefully.

"No." Kath shook her head, "I mean what's going on between you two."

Phil gulped and Dan suddenly felt as though this wasn't a conversation for him to speak up in, or one that he wanted to. His boyfriend shuffled uncomfortably before muttering with a loss of his usual joy, "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know." she admitted, "But I think there's something I very much deserve to hear and I've been waiting and I've been waiting, but I'm not sure it'll ever come at this point." she took a harsh breath in, "If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. But if I'm not, I want to know why neither of you said anything. Is it that you don't trust me? Have I made you feel like I'll react badly? Are you purposefully trying to hide it from me and if so why?" they both saw how pained she looked, but Phil was pushed slightly too far.

The older boy gulped again, "Why do you think it's your right to know-?"

"Because you're my son!" she raised her voice and leant against the doorway with her arms crossed.

"You don't need to know everything about me! Have you thought about how we just might need time-?!"

"While you're going around my back sharing beds and hiding yourselves away?! I'm not just being left out, I'm losing you. Both of you. I raised you, Phil, and I brought you into my home, Dan, and now..."

"What do you want to hear?" her son mumbled, "Do you really need me to say the words? Is that what you want?"

Katherine slowly felt as though she'd approached this wrongfully. She bit her lips just as her son did, and shrugged, "Is that so wrong to ask for?"

"I'm gay, Mum." Phil finally spat.

"He's gay." Dan thought to himself, turning his head back to the piano.

"I'm gay. Dan's my boyfriend." he sighed, looking down, "And I'm sorry for hiding that but I'm...afraid. Not of you, or Dad, or Martyn, just..."

"I get it, Phil." Kath smiled, sitting beside her son, "I really do. Well, I don't. I'm sorry. I guess I just felt like I was making ends meet that I shouldn't have been, but I saw you two on the cruise and the bed and everything and it was thing after thing and-" Dan began playing his fingers against the piano again, "And, I felt like the longer you didn't say anything, the less you trusted me."

"It was never about that, Mum. I promise." he was twiddling his fingers between his hands until his face was red and he had a dozen lumps in his throat. They didn't see Dan cry because he was silent and made sure the tears didn't fall past his cheeks. Phil sighed, "Dad will be fine with it, right?"

"Oh, Phil." Kath chuckled, pulling her youngest son in for a hug, "Of course he will be. I'd talked to him already, and if he wasn't then he'd be the one to go." she giggled, letting the teenager go again and fix his fringe, "I don't think that was our plan in sending you to boarding school for boys," she laughed as she amused herself.

Phil rolled his eyes, "I'm not complaining."

Katherine thought she'd better off not ask what he meant by that. She'd seen the bed, after all, "I could've saved two-hundred pounds if you just said you wanted a double room." she snickered, those being the last words she said before she left the two boys in peace.