Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Twenty-Five

The four boys sat in their drama studio, stood with sponges, scraping at Phil's backpack that was graffitied with a handful of slurs written by boys in their class during last period. Dan took a breath in, letting his arms burn up as he tried to drown the anger out.

Phil sat back, bringing his feet onto the table and catching Dan's enraged state, "Dan, please, just leave it." he knew how much he'd had been struggling with school. His grades were barely acceptable and he'd caught him wiping his eyes too many times during lessons. He knew what it felt like to be helpless, he didn't want to weigh the younger boy down with his own problems, too.

"How do you expect me to leave it?" Dan sighed.

"He's right, you know." Chris muttered spitefully, "They can't think this is okay." he went from one word which he'd scrubbed to barely visible onto another, circled in red marker, "Hey, at least this one isn't a gay slur, they've got some imagination even if it is throwing disabled people into it."

Dan bit his lips and looked away, letting the water in his eyes soak away before he looked back to the group. He caught Phil staring at him, though, and he knew that Phil knew. It wouldn't be the first time he saw him cry, though.

"I'll just get you a new one." PJ sighed, "This is hopeless. I've got a spare."

Phil nodded, jumping off the table edge and inspecting the untasteful work, "What is it about me?" he began, shrugging into the air with his voice rising, "What is it that makes me look as though I've got a 'kick me' sign on my back?!"

"You're just different." PJ sighed, "It's not bad, it's just teenagers are dicks and when anyone stands out, they hammer them down until they don't have the energy to be different anymore. All school is, is surviving and trying to come out the other end not on drugs and with a salvageable sense of identity."

Chris gave his friend a smile before picking the damp bag up and rolling it up, "Carry your books like that, I'll take this back to Hepburn and see if I can bleach it."

"Thanks, guys." Phil sighed, walking up to Dan, "How did the test go?"

"Failed it." he spat downwards into his chest, "It's biology, of course I failed it."

"We're doing great then," Chris remarked sarcastically, slumping himself on the floor of the classroom by the desk leg.

PJ sat beside him, tucking his knees to his chest and defeatedly resting his elbows on them, "Want to do another play?" he asked.

"Oh and become a laughing stock of something else? Sure, doing Theatre helps Phil's case of being called 'faggot' now, doesn't it?" Dan spat, burying his forehead into his palms.

PJ bit his lips and looked down, knowing the Hepburn kid wasn't wrong. However, Chris chuckled, looking up and shrugging, "So what? They're already laughing at us, can we make it any worse?"

"We can get our noses broken," Dan mumbled.

"Then they get broken!" PJ shouted, "Surely surrendering to it is worse than standing up and keeping some sense of who we are?"

Dan groaned, standing up and walking away from the group, "Who are we then, PJ?! Who are you?! What are we trying to keep?! Nothing makes me different from the rest of the school apart from I'm a poor kid and I was bloody orphaned a year ago!" Dan was crying now, the tears slowly creeping from his eyes and down his cheeks.

"You're an orphan...?" PJ asked, looking at Chris and Phil for answers.

"I told them not to say anything." Dan defended his friends. Phil walked up to him, standing beside him at a distance. His friend shot him a quick glance before staring at the floor again, "Do you ever feel entirely helpless? Like the world is against you and you have nothing more than your voice and you're not even sure where to start shouting it?"

"You're already starting it, Dan. Standing here with us and acknowledging it is something. Chris has gone to the teachers before but they don't do anything, so you work out how to change it on your own."

"Why does it have to be us? Why isn't it already a norm not to call someone a puff every time they laugh? What's so gay about being joyful anyway?"

"They're all just closeted pricks," PJ mumbled, standing up again.

Chris looked up at him with a harsh intensity in his eye, "Is nobody else going to come out?!" he laughed, but it wasn't in amusement. It was disbelief, if anything.

"Hi, I'm straight and if I was anything else this school would eat me inside out?" Dan spat, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes, "You said it to me once that you're bi, does PJ know, does Phil know?"

"Yes, frankly, they do because they're my friends I'm not so closeted I'm hiding it from them." his eyes were burnt into Dan's face and all the boys felt it.

"Can we stop this, please?" Phil muttered, "If we don't have each other, who do we have?"

"He's not wrong." PJ agreed, "I'm going back to Crossings. I'll see you there, Phil." he nodded, picking up his bag and walking out of the room.

Chris sighed, "PJ, wait..." he jogged after his friend that paced out of the room.

Dan laughed uncomfortably, turning to Phil who was holding his arms against his stomach and looking completely deflated towards his friend. They weren't sure what to say.

"I'd offer to hang out but it'd seem suspicious if anyone was to walk by." Dan complained, unsure whether he meant it or not, "You don't think PJ will say anything, right? I didn't think when I said about..."

Phil shook his head, walking towards Dan and wrapping his arms around his friend who hadn't stopped crying. The brown-haired boy thought about pushing him away for a moment, but he gave in and returned the hug briefly to the taller teenager.

He then sighed, pulling away and picking up his bag, "Fancy heading into town and buying some junk?"

"We'd miss supper." Phil pointed out.

"Wouldn't be the first time for me." Dan mumbled, placing his friend's books into his own rucksack and turning back to him, "Well?"

"Sure." Phil shrugged, fixing his fringe in the window reflection and wiping his eyes with his hands, "Do I look okay?"

"Yeah," Dan confirmed without giving his friend a glance.