Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Fifty-Nine

"They still haven't got back to me." Phil pouted, sitting on their bed in his pyjamas that his mum got him for Christmas. He sighed, closing the lid of his laptop and shuffling back to Dan.

"Stop worrying about it." the younger boy chuckled, putting the book he was reading to the side and turning to face Phil, "Look you've got the internship at that place in Manchester in the Easter-"

"I want to go to the BBC!" Phil whined, pouting playfully and leaning in to kiss his boyfriend. Dan smiled, wrapping his palms around the black-haired boy's head and pulling him closer. Dan moaned, giggling to himself as he pulled Phil onto his body and falling onto their pillows. Nobody made the agreement that they were going to share a bed, but everyone knew they did, even Phil's parents. It was as if Katherine and Nigel not speaking up about it was the very confirmation that they were allowed to, but even Dan and Phil hadn't said they wanted to share, however after falling asleep after fucking for the first week in the holiday, they got into a habit.

The smaller boy was clawing at his t-shirt, pulling the fabric over his shoulders until it was on the floor beside him and their bare chests were against each other. They would never get bored of sex because, even though they'd be in bed more times than they could remember, it was never the same: it was heated and passionate; it was slow and loving; it was lazy; it was oral; it was anal; it was in bed; or, it was in their cupboard in the Great Hall. No matter how they had it, something was different and they loved it. They loved each other.

The two boys were naked against each other, rushing for a reason they weren't sure of. Phil rested on either of his elbows, letting the weight of his hips fall against his boyfriend as they stared at each other, catching their breaths while their lips were apart, and absorbing the colours of the other's eyes.

Dan didn't get a chance to speak before the older boy was pushing inside of him again and he was shivering against the dampened bedsheets, letting his hair knot against the pillows and his nails dig scars into Phil's back.

The blue-eyed boy chuckled, closing his eyelids and letting his hair tickle Dan's nose as he focused on how every movement felt against his dick. He still had lube against his hands, but he didn't have time to wipe it away, even as his palms dug into the material of the mattress cover.

The smaller boy's feet wrapped around Phil's back until his heels had a grip to pull him closer, sending bruises into his boyfriend's spine as he so desperately wanted him deeper. He smiled, thinking about how he'd been the one against the bed a weighted number of times, but he supposed they continuously fell to where felt most pleasurable for the both of them. They'd tried both ways, though, multiple times; they'd have got bored if they hadn't.

Dan's breaths were shattered and he was gasping for air every time Phil pushed inside of him. He opened his eyes and looked at the sweating teenager above him and he loved how every exhale looked on him. He giggled, swallowing before he kissed Phil against his lips and pulled the entirety of his weight onto his body as he did so, "I love-" he began, but he was cut off by his own words as he shouted, "Fuck!"

"Shut up!" Phil laughed into Dan's cheek, trying to keep his cock aligned in the same position as he felt the boy beneath him quivering, "Dan..." he warned.

"Yeah." the younger boy confidently nodded, "Yeah, okay." it wasn't long for the both of them before they were both shaking together, then lying with their limbs entangled as they stayed exactly where they were, catching their breaths as the room spun around them. It was quite easy to time it so they came at the same time because they both worked at the same pace and wouldn't let themselves get there before they saw the other there, too.

"Stay in me," Dan whispered, cowering his forehead into Phil's collar as he felt their bare fronts pressed at almost every angle. He felt the way their ribs crushed against each other, and how their stomachs fell until their abdomens parted only for them to be closer than anywhere else could be. Then their legs joined and separated at different places, depending on where the young boy had wrapped his legs.

What if this was all it meant to them? Every time they were together they inevitably fucked, so what if this was all Phil wanted from the smaller boy? If Dan never let him out of his body again, they'd never leave each other; not for the internship in summer, not for college in America. It was hard for the teenage boy to differentiate what was driven by his heart and what was lead by his dick, and times like now they'd got so confused he wasn't sure if Phil loved him at all. As much as he liked being used and feeling like a toy, at times, he needed to hear the stunning figure on top of him mutter to him that he loved him, but he also didn't want to hear it because he'd only end up breaking his heart.

Phil sighed, taking himself out of the younger boy and lying by his side. He wasn't a stranger to losing Dan, however he could recognise it within a second of the teenage boy's eyes gazing away as though the world around was nothing but a game, "Come back to me." the older boy giggled, but Dan didn't.

"Do you love me?" he lifelessly spoke.

"Of course I do-"

"No...I don't just want you to say it-"

"How else am I supposed to let you know? You need to trust me-"

"I do." Dan scowled, "Don't say that like I don't-" he sat up and buried his chin in his bare knees.

"I was not saying that." Phil breathed, "I love you, Dan. I say that to you, I show that to you-"

"How? By fucking me?"

"Don't you want me to?"

"Is that all I am to you? A fuck toy?" Dan snapped.

Phil managed to stay calm but he wasn't sure if he could hold back tears when they came, "No." he was hurt and he felt it in his chest, "Is that all I am to you?"

"Is this love?" Dan asked, "Or are we just fuck buddies and got confused along the way?"

"Fuck off." Phil gave up, letting the water fall down his cheeks and clambering out of their bed. He wiped himself off and pulled his boxers up.

Dan pouted, his face going red before he bit his lips and threw a sock at his boyfriend. It was done spitefully, but when the older boy looked back at him, then at the sock, and then back at his love, they broke into smiles. They were pathetic, as far as happiness could go, but it was theirs.

"I love you, Dan, I really do. If you need me to tattoo that on my bloody forehead, I will." he kissed the boy curled up on the bed on the forehead, and he fixed his fringe while he was there.

"But if something were to happen to me, you'd love someone else, right?"

Phil furrowed his eyebrows, "Well...I don't know. I've never loved anyone else. Not like this. Even if I could, I'd never stop loving you." he suddenly panicked, "Dan, you're alright aren't you, you're not..."

"No." Dan chuckled, shaking his head, "I just worry about us. About you."

"I know you do." Phil smiled, "But I'm not leaving you as long as you don't leave me, alright?"

Dan was the youngest of the two of them, but age doesn't mean his boyfriend was the least naïve.