A Piece Of My Life (Captain Swan)

Chapter 25

It'd been a week since they'd brought their baby home. Only a week. It felt like years of torment and sleep deprivation and not being able to lift anything heavier than her baby. Yet again, Rae was crying, unable to be soothed it seemed, and there was no way she was going to be able to get out of bed again without further pain in her abdomen; Whale said the healing would take time, but it was a serious inconvenience.

Killian rolled over, begin gentle with her whenever he could, and kissed her cheek, "I've got her, go back to sleep." She nodded groggily and carefully curled in on herself slightly to make up for the loss of warmth in her bed.

After the new parents had left the hospital, the little bundle had to stay, but quickly gained strength and more developed lungs. They had released her finally when her breathing was stable and they were sure there were not any more unexpected problems.

The crying died away slowly but surely, Killian seemed to take to being a father in stride and after some coaxing that he wouldn't break her, always wanted her in his arms. She could hearing him cooing nonsense and the floor boards creaking as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Emma's eyelids drooped and was lulled back to sleep by the constant creaking.

-:-

The clock read four am when her eyes finally decided to open, and a familiar warmth was not by her side, but she could hear murmuring still coming from the nursery. Putting on a robe, she made her way quietly down the hall and leaned against the wall, sort of eaves dropping.

"You're my little miracle," he cooed affectionately, "I never thought I could have something as perfect as you. I want to see you grow up, and lose your first tooth, and dress up on the one holiday, and find a boy who I can scare. I really hope I get to, but if not, I know you're too young to understand, I really hope you know you are loved so fiercely and I never wanted to leave you. You're my little miracle..you and your mother."

She was confused and becoming upset, so she knocked lightly on the door frame. "Killian?"

His face told all and tears pooled in her eyes. Shifting Rae in his arms, he stood up and placed her in the black crib and pulled the pink and purple blanket up around her and then faced Emma. Leaving as quietly as he could and shutting the door softly behind him, they both then went to the bedroom and sat down on the edge of Emma's side.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She felt lied to and was angry at him, the only other option being breaking down.

"I didn't want to upset you."

He tried to explain to her, but she cut him off. "A little late for that now, isn't it?"

Defeat spread across his features. "Yes. Yes, I guess it is."

"So what? You were just going to keep this from me until when? I found you in a pool of your own vomit or unconscious on the couch?" When he didn't speak, she kept going. "What is wrong with you?" There was more venom in her words than she had intended and immediately she regretted them leaking from her mouth..especially when he stood up and left the room.

She couldn't very well call after him in fear of waking Rae and standing took longer than usual, but when she did find him, he was in the bathroom. The all-too familiar scene made her want to vomit in the same way he was and the emptiness in his eyes when he sat against the wall and flushed the toilet made her want to run and hide.

A cry from the other room relieved her from staring any longer and she opened the door to the nursery to pick up her daughter. She wasn't allowed to lift anything heavier, but even picking her up was a chore. Rae's big blue eyes that looked so much like Killian's made her want to cry even more, and then again when he came up behind her and rested his head on top of her's, his breath smelling like mint toothpaste.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he whispered as she swayed back and forth, "I didn't want it to be real."

"I'm sorry I snapped at you. Are you okay?"

Killian nodded against her head. "Nothing I'm not used to anymore," he sighed, "how about all three of us go back to our room and talk about all this in the morning?" Rae was already asleep in her arms and Emma readily agreed.

-/-

It wasn't like she could sleep, and when the first light of morning can streaking in through the window curtains, it was time to give up the charade. 6 a.m. Emma was surprised Rae had even slept that long and knew it wouldn't last long. Cradling her daughter in her arms, trying not to wake either of them up, she left the room just in time for her big, ocean blue eyes to flutter open.

She fed and bathed her in the two hours that Killian still slept. Around eight, as she was making a pot of coffee, she heard the bedroom door creak open and feet shuffling down the hallway. All she wanted was for last nights events to have not happened.

"Morning," Killian smiled at her, but she could see it was forced. He kissed Rae's forehead and then Emma's lips. "I, uhm, I have an appointment today at the hospital." They both felt awkward and it would've been obvious to anyone that they just wanted to run away. "They have my results back."

"Okay." Her voice was merely a whisper.

-/-

They didn't have to wait long for Dr. Whale to come retrieve them and lead them back to his office. He put up the scans on boards that lit up and started pointing to areas and using medial talk that neither of them really understood, but somehow knew was bad. Things like aphasia, memory and vision loss, balance problems, and breathing difficulties came out of his mouth, but the words a month broke her completely.