The Middle Child

Chapter 20

Sasha

"I dream about it, I go get it, that's how I do it,
Not in the stars, I'm not lucky, I just pray through it, Fall on my face and I might make mistakes, But I don't let it break me, 'Cause I'm still on my way, I do believe I'm something special, Can't take that from me, So you can say what you want, I go harder, stronger, Be who I'm supposed to be..."-Koryn Hawthorne

After a momentary stare down with my mom, I quickly adverted my eyes as I tried to regulate my heartrate as I walked off the pulpit with everyone else and walked back to my seat where June was waiting for me. I felt like a deer caught in headlights, just before getting hit at full speed.

How in the world did she find me? Who told her I was here? If June said he didn’t tell anyone then the only other pers-

Mommy.

She’s the only one who always knew what I was doing today, and I definitely wouldn’t put it past her to have brought her here to try to speed up the process of me bringing her more into my life. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough for her. Now usually I would be upset, but in this moment, it only makes me think even more that Mommy is up to something and she’s just not telling us. But no worries, I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

I walked to my seat in a daze. How much did she see? I wonder how she felt about it. Does she think I want to be a singer now? Does the rest of the family know I'm here, more importantly, does my dad know? All of those thoughts ran rampant through my mind. Suddenly the exit was looking better than my seat, but then I thought against it, there was no point in running, I was going to have to face her eventually.

June grinned widely at me as he pulled me into a hug once I reached him, "You did so good, I'm so proud of you!" He beamed with a proud look on his face.

I gave him a grateful smile, but it didn't quite reach my eyes, "Thanks June, and I hope Mama feels the same way, considering she's up in the balcony right now," I whispered to him.

June’s eyes widened in shock, “Are you serious?!” he asked as he slightly turned around to look up in the balcony. A few seconds later he quickly turned around, I’m guessing once he saw our mother, “Oh shoot, you weren’t kidding, both Mom and Aunt Michelle are up there,” he said, which made me raise my eyebrows because I didn’t even see Mommy.  

I groaned to myself as we both took our seat once the church secretary walked up to the pulpit to go over the church announcements before tithes and offering. Usually the Walls would have sat with me, but this Sunday they had to stay in the choir stand with the rest of the choir. In this case it was perfectly fine with me because at this point, I don’t see myself paying any kind of attention to anyone or anything, the only thing my mind was on was what to expect from my mother once service was over, as well as thinking of an exit strategy.

It’s not that I’ve suddenly developed a fight or flight mentality, it’s the fact that two of my worlds were in the same space and they were dangerously close to colliding. I can’t let that happen. Everybody and they mama know for a fact that the second somebody notices my mom it’s a wrap. It doesn’t even matter that we’re in the house of the Lord. Some people would literally block their blessings just to see a glimpse of Beyoncé.

For the majority of my life I had been able to successfully separate myself from who I am and who my family is, and in this moment, it felt like all that hard work was about to go down the drain. Don’t get me wrong, I could very well be overthinking and overreacting, but I can’t really take any chances. It’s safer for me to be seen with Mommy in public, because no matter how you look at it, the truth is Mommy isn’t on the public’s radar like Mama is, she has much more freedom to go out and do what she wants and not be bombarded by paps or fans, and that’s all facts and no shade. Mama doesn’t have that same luxury. If she’s seen in public period, she and whoever she’s with at that moment will be the topic of conversation and all you see on your IG explore page for at least a week, and I don’t have the time.