The Middle Child

Chapter 24

Murr Chrimmuh Y’all!

June

“You gave me black man rarity, a sincere apology, said you coulda did better and I appreciate the honesty, finally love every part of me, cause you see so much of you in me, the good, the bad, the fluid, and the ugly, the man I am is because of who you were to me, the man I am is who you were to me”- Durand Bernarr

When Dad sent me to my room, even though I left the room, of course I didn’t do what he said. Instead, when I walked out the room, I cracked the door so I could hang back and be able to hear them better. I told Sasha I had her back and I meant that, I wasn’t about to leave her to fend for herself, although I know more than anyone that she can fend for herself, but as her big brother I can’t help but to want to protect her. As I listened to them talk, I could feel a sense of hope that things were looking up between them and that they were well on the road to healing and recovery, but that was shorter lived than La La Land’s Oscar win, much to my unsurprise. Once they began shouting at each other I was about to step in and intervene but that’s when Mom showed up and stopped me, telling me to go on to my room and she would handle it, but of course I didn’t listen, I just pretended to leave yet again. It didn’t surprise me at all that Dad didn’t believe Sasha, of course he would take the cowardly ‘easy’ way out. Because Brooklyn is so wrapped around his finger, in his eyes she can do no wrong, so he feels there’s no reason for her to lie, and that’s so dumb to me, because in my mind that gives her every reason to lie. She could stab somebody intentionally and tell him the other person just ran into the knife on accident and he would immediately believe her, but won’t question why she even had the knife in the first place.

I hate that things between Dad and Sash came to this point, but at the same time I’m glad it happened, because it allowed Sasha and Mom to see who Dad really is, and to see where his heart was and how he really felt. I’m not saying my Dad is a bad guy or anything, he has a good heart but at the same time I don’t think he’s completely emotionally complacent, or like… once he feels a certain way about something, he’ll deadlock that feeling and no matter what happens that will either give him more understanding or is more or less that what he originally thought it doesn’t matter, because he’s already accepted his first impression of it.

That is such stubborn mentality. And stupid.

When Dad told Sasha that he should have tried harder to sign custody of her over to Aunt Michelle, I was LIVID! I wanted to bust in the room and fuck shit up but I had to restrain myself. How could say something so fucked up? Better yet, how could he ACTUALLY DO something so fucked up?

Is he dumb? I mean, legit unintelligent? Clueless? A few fries short of a happy meal? No, seriously, what is it?

It is things like this that piss me off and makes me want to separate myself from my father even more. And not necessarily separate from him entirely or deny who he is to me, I mean separate who I am from who he is to further protect WHO I am. Meaning, just because I’m my father’s namesake, that does not mean that I am a replica of him. I’m my own person, with my own dreams and goals, dreams and goals that greatly differ from the ones my father has for my life, and I don’t want to get consumed in that mentality, in that bondage. Because that’s what it is. I’m tired of following in his footsteps. That’s not who I want to turn into when I get older. Stubborn and stupid-

Nah, let me stop.

But stubborn and unwilling to learn, unwilling to grow. Unwilling to change, period. I was so mad at my Dad, but I also felt so bad for Sasha, because she doesn’t deserve this at all. I hate how she had made so much progress, her light was beginning to shine so bright, and she was finally beginning to open up to us more, only for Dad to shoot an arrow into her heart, knocking her light out. It’s so unfair. But I know my sister, I know how strong she is; this may be a blow that’ll make her stumble, but it won’t make her fall, because after what happened between her and our parents on her birthday, even though she may have forgiven them, I know she gave them restricted access to her heart to avoid being hurt like that again.