The Middle Child

Chapter 12

June

“I haven’t really changed too much, new hairdo, tattoos, new pair of shoes, money cushion looking like a new parachute, I can spare a few, just replaced my luggage, lugging all that was bugging me, lost touch with my cousins found out what the fuck I need, listen to the visions in your mind, intuition isn’t fun and games, if I’m different that means I did something right, cause I can only feel the change…” -TJW (FUNFACT: if you didn’t know, that’s who I chose as June.)

After I finished texting Sasha, I took a deep breath and looked up at Grandma who was checking the food on the stove. I decided to listen to her for a change and talk to Grandma, maybe she’s right and maybe I do need another perspective other than Sash’s about my dilemma. With all that’s been going on and all that’s expected of me, I have just been so stressed out lately, but I have been hiding it as best as I can because like I told Sash, it’s not about me right now, and it’s not. Honestly, I don’t know why I can’t just tell my family, especially my dad how I feel about my life and my future, but I just hate feeling like I’m going to disappoint him, and that’s the last thing I want to do. Not only that, I can’t help but feel like he won’t accept me and my dream and try to force me to give it up. In the past that thought used to scare me because I thought that I wouldn’t be able to sustain on my own if I chose to follow my dream and he wouldn’t support me, both financially and emotionally, but now, I’m not even worried about that anymore. Whether he chooses to support me or not it’s not going to stop me from following my dreams and living my life for me. More and more I’ve been craving that feeling of complete and total independence, shout out and thanks to Sasha, I know our circumstances are different, but that doesn’t stop how she inspired me to live and want to live for myself. I want everyone to be proud of me, but at the same time I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with my reflection, not just my outer reflection but my inner one as well.

“Grandma, can I talk to you about something?” I nervously asked.

She turned and gave me a warm smile before turning the heat on the food down and coming to sit down across from me, “Sure baby, what’s on your mind?”

For the next five minutes I poured my heart out to her, telling her my biggest secret as well as how I’ve been feeling lately. The more I talked, the lighter I began to feel, making me want to talk even more. Once I finished, I felt a whole lot better; I felt free.

The whole time I talked, grandma sat silently listening to me intently, nodding here and there. When I finished, she finished processing what I said before she sat up, “Well, first and foremost, I already knew about your dream to be a chef,” she began.

My jaw dropped as I looked at her in absolute shock, “You did? How?!” I exclaimed.

She chuckled as she shrugged playfully, “Mother’s intuition isn’t limited to just mothers, it extends to the grandma’s as well. Ever since you were a little boy, I could tell you loved food and cooking. You were always so intrigued by how certain foods were made, and you’ve always had a curious and eclectic palate; always eager and willing to try all different kinds of foods. Not to mention, you could be doing anything else right now, but you gladly volunteered to be my sous chef, I didn’t even have to ask and the whole time we were cooking you looked so happy and serene, like you were in your element. I think that it's wonderful that you want to pursue a culinary career, you should never be afraid or ashamed of your dreams, and you shouldn’t be afraid to tell your father either. More than anything, he loves you no matter what you decide to do in life, because you are his son before anything else. Anything else is extra,” she said.

I sighed, “You would think it’s that simple, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like when he looks at me, he doesn’t see me, but he see’s himself, and the second coming of himself. I may be his namesake, but that doesn’t make me him. Besides you know lately things between us have been slightly strained between us because I bought Sash a car, but I’m sorry, I don’t regret it. Sasha’s happiness in that moment and even now means more to me than how he feels about it, I’m still upset that things happened the way it did,” I replied.