The Middle Child

Chapter 15

Michelle

"I'm not perfect but I'm trying (when you needed me there were a few times I did not come running), I'm not perfect but I'm working (when you wanted more I gave you less and Lord I'm sorry), I'm not perfect but I'm getting closer, the more that I know you (please give me another chance), I'm not perfect but I'm better than I was on yesterday" -J. Moss

A couple days later (from the last chapter), Thursday...

You know what I hate about the truth?

How true it is. Also, how painful it can be.

No matter how much it can hurt you, or anger you, or make you sad, it doesn't change the fact that it's the truth. I know the bible says that the truth will set you free, but for me lately, it's only left me feeling bound, not only in my mind, but in myself.

When Sasha left that night, she left us all in a multitude of emotions. Shock, sadness, guilt, amazement, just to name a few. To be completely honest, I'm still in shock, because I never imagined that would be her reaction. She took what me and her mother told her way better than I thought she would. However, I was disappointed because of the spat she had with Brooklyn, because I've never known her to act that way, especially in the presence of adults, so I knew that her sister really set something off in her that she's been holding in for a long time, and I knew that they would need to talk to each other, not only to apologize for one another, but they really need to talk to each other and get to the root of their discord. We're all so close, all of us, and it's really disheartening to see Sasha, Brooklyn, and Four so divided. Mama Tina suggested therapy, because she put Bey and Solo in therapy when they were younger, and it really worked for them, so maybe it would work for the girls. We all agreed, but of course with everything going on, we haven't really been able to bring that topic of conversation back up, mainly because me and Bey may need it ourselves considering we haven't spoken since that night.

I know I just said we're all really close, but right now, at this moment? Not so much. Bey didn't take too well to Sasha's response, and hearing that Sasha felt like her home was with me and not with her struck a chord inside of her that she did not like. My attempt at comforting her didn't seem to help either, instead it just made her angrier, and you know the saying, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts?"

That concept applies to angry people as well.

To make a long story short, she began to project the anger she was feeling at herself onto me, and she ended up saying some things that that, while true, were still very hurtful. I knew that she was only reacting out of emotion and not logic, but despite me logically knowing that, she would not be prepared for my equally emotional response. So, in that moment I knew the best thing to do to protect my mental health was remove myself from the situation, before anything else could be said that would cause me to completely remove myself from the equation altogether.

I know that we're all human and we all make mistakes, and sometimes in the midst of our hurt and anger we can sometimes lash out and take it out on others under the guise that hurt people hurt people, and because of that so many relationships become strained or broken, but that doesn't mean that the hurt can't be healed, and the broken can't be fixed. That being said, right now we're all hurt, and we're all angry, and because of that, we're all handling it the best and/or only way we really know how. Am I mad and Bey for what she said? Yes. Am I hurt by it? Absolutely. But does that change how I feel about her overall and will I let this negatively impact our sisterhood and friendship? Of course not. Sometimes we fuss and we fight, but that doesn't change or diminish the love we have for each other and the bond between us. I remember the day I auditioned to be a part of Destiny's Child. Me, Bey and Kelly instantly clicked with one another, and from that day one they have been my best friends, my sisters, my rock. We go to each other for any and everything, and there's nothing that we can't talk to each other about. Shoot, we can't even go a week without talking to each other, and if we're all in the same city at the same time we can't go more than two days without seeing each other, so the fact that it's been almost a week and I have neither seen nor spoken to them, or anyone really other than Sasha, is killing me, but damn it, Bey's words really got to me. They cut deep, and that's not something I can just quickly get over and easily forgive. I needed time. I still need time.