The Middle Child

Chapter 14

Sasha

“Soon as I stopped worrying, worrying how the story ends, I let go and I let God, let God have His way, and that’s when things started happening, I stopped looking at back then, I let go and I let God, let God have His way” -PJ Morton (I know it’s by DeWayne Woods, but PJ wrote it, and his rendition fits the tone better)

It’s been a few days since that catastrophe called a dinner happened, and since then things have just been…different. It feels like there’s a layer of tension covering everything and everyone, like a blanket of snow on a cold winter night. After I left that night, I realized and accepted that year sixteen of my life was probably going to be one wild emotional rollercoaster ride, full of growth, change, revelations, and most likely a lot of tears, but I made the decision within myself to just let it happen. Things are happening for a reason, reasons I may not understand at the moment, but over time I believe I will. Since then, I’ve been keeping to myself a little more, I haven’t really spoken to anyone, although my parents have desperately been trying to talk to me, I’ve just been too caught up in my mind to respond. I’m not mad at anyone, not my parents, Mommy, not even Brooklyn, believe it or not.

I can’t stop thinking about the spat between Brooklyn and I though. I always thought she hated me, simply because I existed, but after hearing what she said last night, I realized that it’s not only that, but there’s also a reason much deeper, the true reason why, and I just want to know what it is. I’ve been stuck in my head trying to figure out why she hates me, but I haven’t really been able to come up with anything. I know the reasonable thing to do would be to just go talk to her, but we’ve never just sat and had a basic, normal conversation, I don’t even think we know how to have a decent conversation without her saying something out the side of her neck, making me want to karate chop her in it, and like she said, I’ve always kept to myself, so with the exception of June and Blue, I’ve never really just sat and had a normal conversation with my siblings.

I would like to change that.

Nevertheless, through it all I’m still trying to remain in the mindset I was in before I reunited with my family. This was only a minor setback, and I’m not going to lie to myself and say that I thought being around my family again was going to be unicorns and rainbows, because really, only a fool would think that, but hey, minor setbacks only prepare you for major comebacks, and I’m coming back strong. I can’t really be mad at the outcome of that night, because I went in wanting answers and clarity, and I got exactly that. Right now I’m just processing what I’ve learned, because even though I didn’t know what to expect, I still wasn’t expecting to hear what I did, and even now I still don’t really know how to handle it. I just keep reminding myself of the conversation I had with Rhea and Ahjah and I let that be my motivation to keep moving in the right direction, because even though I am changing, I want to make sure that my change is for the better.

Today Paco called and asked if I wanted to tag along with him and the rest of the Walls to PJ Morton’s live recording for his latest project, The Piano Album, and then afterwards go and get a bite to eat. I told him that I would have to ask my Godmom first and then I would let him know. After talking for a few more minutes, we ended the call and I went into Mommy’s room, where she was laying in bed watching Judge Judy. I got in the bed next to her and cuddled into her side and she kissed my head in response. I don’t know if she knows, but I’ve noticed that since the dinner she’s also been pretty quiet and a little on edge. She’s also been doing normal, everyday things a little more aggressively, like slamming doors and cabinets shut and mumbling angrily to herself like everything she did reminded her of the very thing, or person, that pissed her off in the first place. I also noticed that she hasn’t talked to anyone since then as well, and that’s not like her because she’s always talking to someone in our family. I’ve debated a few times if I should ask her if everything was ok, but I didn’t want be on the receiving end of her anger, so I just made sure to stay out of her way. I don’t think she would have snapped at me or anything, but I also wasn’t trying to find out either.