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They say that trauma builds character, that trauma builds emotional intelligence and helps you to become an empathetic person. You can only ever empathize with someone if you've had to struggle if you've known exactly what it was like to feel at a point so low that you didn't think any was coming back from it. Trauma can hold some good in the outcome, but it also holds so so so much worse. It's like an axe to a tree, it moves from person to person but at the end of the day, all the marks it made on you are still there. They become embedded within you, shape you, and change how you think and perceive the world. The biggest reason is, you don't want to become what caused your trauma, so you try to become the opposite of what it is.
My parents abandoned me when I was three, I remember it like it happened yesterday. One minute my birth giver was helping me get dressed into a pretty outfit, telling me we were going to go somewhere special. Another minute she sat me on a bench and told me we were going to play hide and seek. Then ten seconds later, I found myself walking around the park cautiously as I tried to find her. A three-year-old, in the park at night, abandoned.
Looks like someone wasn't going to win mother of the year.
It was a miracle I wasn't kidnapped or worse. A different woman found me, a woman with shoulder-length black hair and a red-lipped smile on her face. She cooed and wiped away my tears, crouching down to get to my height as I sobbed as any terrified child would. I remember her taking me into her arms and kissing my forehead as she lulled me to sleep. She gave me a warm bed and food, and she and her partner took me in. Gave me a family who cared about me and my unique intelligence. I wanted to be like her. So kind, loving, and caring. Not like the woman who gave birth to me, she was cruel. So, that's who I shaped myself to be...or tried to be...but the world will always find a way to eradicate those who are too kind to others... so I could never.
I rarely ever got on with people, I was too smart for kids my age and was bullied an unfortunate amount. Being bullied though, taught me to be kind towards others no matter what was so different about them, whether it be mental capabilities or physical abnormalities, everyone should be treated with kindness. I mean, I did use my intelligence to my advantage and plotted revenge at the sprightly young age of 7. No common child had the capability of hacking into the electrical system of their bullies' bedroom and giving them the idea that their house was haunted. So no one suspected me. Who needs friends when you have yourself, and the robot you built with your skills.
The day my mom was killed, the woman who took me in. I dropped mentally. I became reckless and stupid, so overwhelmed by grief. There I was at the age of 14 trying to hunt down and reprimand the killer, but to my distaste, I had yet to discover their identity. I spent night after night, up till early mornings clicking away at a computer with one hand, and nervously scratching away at my skin with the other.
My uncle and aunt were killed by the same person, two months after my mother was murdered. I was babysitting my cousin, and their five-month-old son, as I tapped away at the keyboard behind my computer screen before I got the notification. I don't think he understood why I was crying so much, but it was comforting when he joined me in shedding tears. I don't know how I would ever be able to tell Sorei what happened, or when.
