Longshot - catfish and the bottlemen

39 - Van

Seeing her for the first time in forever all dressed up and smiling drives me mad. I just want to sit with my arms round her and let everybody know she's mine but I don't think she's very fond of me right now, I don't blame her. We've hardly spoke all night, every time we did it was just her saying congrats or just painful small talk. I notice her wander outside on her own, probably to smoke and it's the best opportunity I'll get so I follow her outside. She seems shocked that I followed her out, like she wasn't expecting it. I hate the feeling that she doesn't have a smile on her face when I unexpectedly join her anymore.

"Why are you leaving us so early? Surely you were planning on staying more than a day no?" I ask, raking through my pockets trying to find a lighter but then Bella reluctantly chucks me her one coming to the rescue as per usual. "I don't know why you're so insecure about everything Bella you know I'd never cheat on you or anything like that" I tell her in a desperate attempt to get her to talk to me but she just seems more annoyed.

"You know exactly why, everyone that's ever claimed to love me has let me down and before you say you haven't, you did once" Bella responds tossing her cigarette to the ground, however she stops just before she heads back inside. "Is there something you're not telling me? What is it Van, what are you keeping from me?" This time she speaks with so much more desperation and I know she's tired of being constantly hurt by people, I just don't want to hurt her even more.

"I can't tell you Bell, not right now" She sighs, looking at me the same way she did when I told her I was breaking up with her a few years ago.

It wasn't like I was keeping a massive secret from her, it's just that round the side of a bar at 11PM isn't the best time to let it out. Regardless, I head back in after finishing my ciggy and the happiness that was once on Bells face was now gone. The smile she kept giving everyone was so obvious fake and it just masked every emotion she was hiding.

Benji heads over to the bar and I see it as a perfect opportunity to speak to one of them alone. I've not spoke to them about me and Bella yet, all we've talked about is the band since we're celebrating the balance tonight which is fair enough but Bella was all I could think about. Benjis probably one of the smarter ones when it comes to stuff like this, him and Bond, that's why I follow him up to the bar.

"Blakes I don't know what to do anymore lid, she doesn't want to talk to me" He looks back at me confused, tapping his finger along with whatever song was playing in the background.

"Why'd you keep that from us? We wouldn't have said anything about her Van, we've been playing that song the past two and a half years and only just found out what it's about. There's got to be more to it than that Van, we're not stupid enough to believe you just hid the fact you shagged someone." Benji speaks is seriously, I knew he'd be able to see through me but even Bells asked if there's more to the story so I've done a shit job of covering it. I should've just said the truth from the start. "What is it mate?"

"I didn't block her, we kept I'm touch until we were back in Llandudno and she was just trying to help me get over Bella you know? When I seen Bella and I realised I still loved her I told her that but she kept saying it was just cause I'm back home. Then I realised I did still love her and then I blocked her but I didn't want to tell Bell that cause she'll just think I was lying" I tell Benji while he looks at me with the look of confusion on his face, telling me I'm chatting shit. Thankfully he's got enough alcohol in his system to keep him from actually understanding what it is I told him and then him going off in one.

"Not being funny Van but that is what you did, lie about it. C'mon lad you'll sort it in the morning before she goes, when you're both sober" He walks back over with the tray of drinks, leaving me alone with my thoughts for a couple of seconds. I don't want to sort it out before she leaves because then I'll regret leaving it that long when tonight I could have her asleep in my arms. Benjis right though,I'll just say something I'll regret.

_____

A few hours pass and now it's time to face what I was dreading. All I want is for Bella to fall asleep in my arms for the first time in a month but we've hardly spoken all night so I doubt that will be the case. When we leave the lids and head into our own room she heads straight for her bag, picking out the old Beatles t-shirt and pair of shorts she was going to change into and then heads into the bathroom to change. Bells never been completely fine changing in front of me but she's never had to go into a different room to change, not since we first became a thing again. It's my fault for making her this insecure again though, I regret it all.

Out she comes from the bathroom all fresh faced and her hair thrown up in a bun, my favourite look. Bellas so naturally beautiful, she can somehow make a baggy t-shirt and shorts look amazing. I don't know what I expected but when she climbed on to the other bed my heart sunk, I wanted her to come crawling to me but she didn't, she didn't even come crawling to the same bed.

"You came all this way and you're not even sleeping in the same bed as me?" I ask her, upset with the fact I haven't seen her in forever and this is how it's going.

"What is it you're hiding from me? What else aren't you telling me Van? Please just tell me" It isn't desperation that she's talking with, it's hurt and sadness, all caused by me. You can tell by the emotions she hides that she's hurt, she just won't let on. The poor girl is always the one to be hurt.