Longshot - catfish and the bottlemen

37 - Van

As soon as his name falls out my mouth I regret it instantly. It looks like Bellas seen a ghost, she looks petrified, like she could be sick. I was frustrated, frustrated at myself and frustrated at Bob for blurting that out in front of everybody. I shouldn't have been taking it out on Bella though, not now especially after she's just seen what she has and with everything she's been through I know she'll be torturing herself in her head.

"Bell I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that darling. I just-" When I reach over for her hand she pulls it away instantly. There's nothing I can even say or do that makes this better, I've said and done the worst at this point.

"That's not fair Van, you know I wouldn't have been annoyed at you for getting with someone. Why did you lie about it? Why were you with her again? Did I even cross your mind at all, when you were giving her your jumper or when you had your arm round her?" All her thoughts were being spoken out loud and that's how I knew I hurt her. She's the type of person to bottle things up because she doesn't want to feel like a burden to anyone but her walls come crashing down when she's been hurt.

"About two and a half years ago we were here and there was a girl hanging about after one of our shows and I got speaking to her. I told her about you and how I still couldn't get over you, we ended up going out for a few drinks and I took her back to the hotel. We slept together and the next day I regretted it so much because you were all I could think about. She kept texting me so we met up another two times but then we left to go to Vegas or something. The texting didn't stop and she just kept trying to make me get over you but I couldn't and then Bob seen my text messages and I explained everything to him, he told me to block her so I did and then a year and a bit later I'm back in Llandudno bumping into you." I tell her, hoping she'll relax slightly but she doesn't.

"I was out for a smoke yesterday and she showed up but I wasn't the nicest to her. Then after the gig she showed up again and apologised and told me she wasn't trying to do anything, she just wanted a catch up. So we went for a coffee today and I told her all about you, then I seen you. I didn't know you were coming Bell." Still she looks so uptight and disappointed in me, I don't even blame her. "Emily knows that we're happy and she wasn't looking to ruin that, neither was I" As soon as I say the name she lets a sigh and I know I've dropped myself in it even worse.

"That's who you wrote the song about? Van I asked you about it and you said it wasn't about anyone. Why were you so desperate to keep Emily a secret? I wouldn't have been worried if you just told me. What if I didn't come? What would've happened then?" Her voice cracks and she turns away from me, taking a deep breath like she does when she's trying not to let every single emotion slip out.

"Nothing. Nothing would've happened Bell we went for a coffee that's all. I don't know why I never told you or the lids, I don't know"

"Why did you have to bring him into it?" She looks my straight in the eye as a single tear runs down her cheek. I reach over to hold her hand again but she flinches at my touch just like she did when we started speaking again, all because I brought it up when she was finally starting to be free from all the memories that haunted her.

She stands up wiping the tears from her face and tells me she's going for some fresh air, before I have the chance to say anything she's walked out the door. If only she knew just how many nights I spent awake praying she was okay and nobody would hurt her like I have before or especially how her ex has. Can't believe I thought it was a good idea to go out with the girl who once terrorised me for not being over her, that I also kept a secret from her and the boys, well apart from Bob.

I can't believe she came to New York on the day of The Balance being released, it actually makes me sick knowing she came all the way over here to surprise me and I greet her with my arm around a girl she just found out I hid from her, who was also wearing the jumper I took either me to remind me of Bella. I bet the boys are all so disappointed with me, Bellas always been like their little sister, has been for the last 10 years. Larry was the one who introduced her to us in the first place, they were the closest so I knew he'd be annoyed at me, I don't blame him though. He's my best mate but he doesn't hesitate to tell me when I'm a prick which I'm thankful for. The boys weren't happy with the way I ended things with her, they were fuming at the fact I had left it like that because she was our best friends they had such high hopes for this time, I did too but then I go and do stupid shit like this.

I wish I thought things through.