Silent Prayers

Chapter 37

"Let's do a feeling check-in before we start" Dr. Erickson said, taking a seat across from Stefan. He could sense that Stefan was feeling a little anxious on that particular morning, as though something was really weighing on his mind. It was early on a Monday. Dr. Erickson didn't normally meet with clients before 8 AM, but Stefan had called over the weekend and asked to switch the time and day, and he sounded insistent. So Dr. Erickson obliged. He liked Stefan and had watched Stefan come a long way in the last few months.

Stefan's eyes immediately found the wall with the emotion charts. There was an animal one for the kids, with an angry lion and a happy hippo. Stefan always thought it was a stereotypical poster, but he never said anything. If it got the kids talking, so be it. His eyes found the chart with just the emotion words. He scanned it a few times, taking his time deciding on which one he felt. "Anxious" he decided. He figured Dr. Erickson already knew that.

"Could you please explain what has you feeling anxious?" Dr. Erickson asked, sitting in a relaxed position as he waited for Stefan to answer.

"A lot of things" Stefan began. He sighed, completely exhausted. He was going into work with Elena, but he hadn't slept at all. Even with Elena asleep next to him, his brain wouldn't shut off. "I start working again today" he mentioned. It had been close to eight months since he worked last.

Dr. Erickson nodded. "It has been a while" he said. "Returning to work after a long absence can be stressful" Dr. Erickson agreed, validating Stefan's feelings about it. "Do you have a plan? If you get too anxious or stressed?" he asked.

Stefan shrugged. "My brother is my boss, and he told me I could work as little or as much as I want" he answered. So, he could go home early if he needed to. "And Elena will be working there too, so I'll have her" he added.

"Sounds like you have a support system set up" Dr. Erickson smiled. "I'm really happy to hear that you are taking this step" he added.

Stefan nodded again. "Me too" he said. "I have Elena in my life again and I want to be able to provide for her, for us" he said honestly. Sure, it might not be the exact same lifestyle he had provided for her when they were married, but he got the feeling that she hadn't been completely comfortable living like that anyway.

Dr. Erickson smiled again. "So you and Elena are in a relationship again?" he asked.

Stefan nodded. "We're taking things slow" he assured him. "But it's nice having her around. She's the kind of person who makes you feel good about yourself, even when you're feeling your worst."

"What makes you feel the worst about yourself right now?" Dr. Erickson asked, sensing there was more.

Stefan leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "I'm terrified I'm going to hurt her again" he admitted quietly. It was a nagging thought in the back of his mind. It had been there all along, but some days it bothered him more than others.

"Physically, or emotionally?" Dr. Erickson asked for clarification.

"Both" Stefan answered. He ran his hands over his head and sighed. "Lately, I have this urge to drink. Like I did back before I went to rehab" he said, completely disgusted with himself. "I don't know why, because my life is really good right now. I was given a second chance by a girl with the most amazing heart. I have a house I love and a job with my brother. I have everything that I had before, so I know what I have to lose, and yet I want to drink" he rambled on. "What is wrong with me?" he asked. He had asked that question a lot in his sessions.

Dr. Erickson let his question hang in the air for a moment. "What was your mother's way of coping with stress?" he asked.

Every muscle in his body tensed upon hearing the question. "I don't want to talk about her today" Stefan said. He hadn't wanted to talk about her the past few sessions.