Apathetic |[D.S]| 1

36. the past shapes who you are

(trigger warning)

I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all
If I lose myself, I lose it all
...

Daniel's POV

4 years ago...

"Cassidy stay will me! Please!" I gulp, panting, and panicking losing my own breath as I try giving her CPR. Calling for help and dialing 911.

"Please don't leave me! Come on you're stronger than this," My chest moving up and down. My heart feeling like it's going to explode out of my chest.

"Please stay come on. Please, please...please." I run a hand through my hair trying to ease the sweat dripping down my temples from how quickly my heartbeat is going and how fast my hands are shaking on her chest.

"Someone help!" I scream my voice cracking in the middle of it as tears well up in my eyes, "No fuck no Cass don't go..." I wrap my hand around hers as I press my mouth against hers blowing into her mouth trying my hardest to help her.

"Cassidy..." I punch at the wooden dock underneath us making my knuckles crack as I wipe my eyes, beginning to try again.

"No," I cry, falling next to her banging my hands down on the dock, "Why does this have to happen! I'm such a failure I can't even give you CPR correctly! I love you, Cassidy! Shit, I didn't even get to tell you that. I love you." I push a piece of her hair behind her ear as her dad and mom come running down rushing towards me and her.

"Daniel, what happened?" Her mother asks as her dad picks Cassidy up from the ground taking her to the ambulance.

"I...I don't know," I stutter, "I tried t-to help h-her." I stammer noticing how puffy my knuckles got and how blood drops from the side of my right hand.

"Don't punch yourself up for this Daniel I'm sure it was an accident." I can see a feeling of doubt take over Mrs. Smith's face as she tries her hardest to stay strong and keep a cool face on while deep down inside the wrong part is telling her heart everything.

"It's my fault. I thought going out on the boat would be a good idea before she headed back to North C-Carolina but I...I screwed up," I turn away to blink rapidly getting rid of the tears in my eyes, "I need to go." I choke sadly.

...

July 22nd, 2014.

I don't know how to write this but...I messed up. I really did. Cassidy is...gone. She's gone and I ruined it. I'm the reason she passed. I wanted to spend time with her and now she's gone forever. Her words still fresh in my mind "Come on Daniel! Live a little with me!" "Be happy!". My father started to lash out at my mother and every time at dinner he would stare me down. Glaring at me and I'm unsure why. He's been torturing Tyler and Christian. Anna and I aren't allowed downstairs but it doesn't mean I still can't put my ear to the floor and hear them. Him bickering and yelling at mom. The slapping noise, glass breaking. I don't know what's happening but everything is falling apart. I thought high school would be a new start but it's the worst. I think if I Runaway things might be different. Running away from my problems doesn't sound that bad according to the situation I'm in. Cassidy dying haunts me in my sleep. The vision repeating over and over again. I wanna get over it but I don't think I will. I don't think I can ever love anyone as much as I love her. She was a happy soul. A person I wanted to be around. My life is falling apart. I screwed up everything. My family is falling apart, my girlfriend is gone. I feel lost and I don't think I'm ever going to recover or find myself again. I practically am the reason she's dead. I'm the reason she drowned. The reason why we are all going to a funeral tomorrow. This is all my fault and it will chase after me no matter how old I get. Maybe it's better to die now? The thought crossed my mind multiple times. I tried going into the water and drowning myself yesterday but it didn't work. I hate my life because I know for sure there isn't a happy ending of this is happening to me.