First Choice (Sam Wilkinson/Nash Grier)

Chapter 65

"W-what are you, how are you even here?" I manage to get out in between kisses. He's backed me up against the door as I shut it behind me and I wish I could savor him, relish the fact that he's here right now with his body pressed against mine, but my mind is still downstairs wondering where Sam ran off to. I should feel more happy about this, about how Nash flew all the way here to surprise me, but annoyance is bubbling up and it feels as though he is already chipping away at the solid bridge between Sam and I that we'd worked so hard to build in Nash's absence.

"You can thank Matthew, he payed to fly me back for your birthday." He says, frowning at my disappointed expression.

"You don't want me here?" He asks quietly, his hold on my hips loosening.

"No, of course I do! It's just that I'm not sure if we were broken up cause of what you said on the phone." I lie.

"Oh, no. I was just upset and I," he looks away from me and tilts his head to the side which causes his hair to fall over his eyes, "I just wanted you to hurt like I was." He admits solemnly.

I nod to myself, taking it in as he says the same exact thing Sam said he would. I don't know if I like the fact that Sam could predict how Nash was feeling, if I should be glad that he's able to relate to Nash or a little scared that Nash seems to be just as petty as Sam is when it really comes down to it. An eye for an eye isn't how it should be in a relationship.

"It's okay Nash. I understand." I bring my hand up and rake my fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead so I can see those gorgeous blue eyes that I've missed terribly.

"Mmm, I missed you." He sighs, mirroring my thoughts and leaning his head down even more so I can continue to rub the pads of my fingers against his scalp.

"But it's not okay. I was being selfish and stupid. I'm sorry and I never should have cut things off while I was away, it only made me miss you so much more. Forgive me?" He asks as he grabs my hand in his and pulls it up to his mouth, kissing my palm.

"Of course." I force a smile, confused because I feel both guilty for the way I've been acting with Sam the last week and how I'm a little upset at Nash that now the precious time I had with Sam is put to an end.

I feel bad for what I'm doing to Nash, I feel bad for what I was doing with Sam, I feel bad for how Sam will feel when he finds out Nash is back. I know he will be just as upset by this as I am, but it's wrong for me to be upset in the first place. It seems as though Sam, Nash, and I are all pawns in some game, us all both loosing and winning no matter what positions we are placed in. We will never be content, I will never be able to fully please both of them as well as myself so I am placed in the horrible position of "who should I put first today and who should I put first tomorrow?"

The answer is never as easy as it seems to be, myself, I should be putting myself first but I can't be selfish when I know that could mean hurting either one or both of them.

I am doing the wrong thing when it comes to both of them.

I am continuing to lead Sam on down this dangerous path that we have gone down too many times before, and I know how this will end for us. The same way it almost ended at the cabin, the same way it almost ended at the fair, the same way it almost ended in the cafeteria. Our feelings for each other are dangerous and I'm being selfish by continuing to feed into them. I need to let go of these feelings for Sam or I won't be able to have any part of him at all without continuing to wish for all of him.

I am doing the wrong thing when it comes to Nash because I do nothing but lie and make promises to him that I don't follow through with. I tell him I care about him but I go behind his back and continue to encourage my feelings for someone else who is not him.