The Trouble On Your Lips (Kellic)

10

I awoke with a start, sitting up and looking around my room as if something were wrong. Fear ran through me and I grabbed my phone, quickly turning the screen on before shining it around my room. I saw nothing there. I sighed in relief, realizing I must have had a dream although I didn't remember it. I looked at the digital clock sitting on my bedside table. It was just past 1am and I had gone to sleep only an hour ago. I groaned and let my head hit the pillow once more. It had taken long enough to fall asleep in the first place, and why? Because I couldn't stop crying. I barely even had a reason for it at the time, but I just wanted to cry, and so I did, for hours. Now I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep again, but I still tried.

I lay flat on my back with my eyes closed, yet no matter how tired I was, I couldn't fall asleep. My eyes shot open when I heard footsteps outside my bedroom door, then noises coming from the bathroom and then eventually my family's bedrooms. It was quiet tapping and bumps or thuds. They didn't stop though, not for a couple of hours. I tried to ignore it and go to sleep but every time the noises would come from outside my bedroom door I'd feel so much anxiety.

I decided I'd get up and tell them to shut up, so I did. I got up, opened my door, but found the hallway was empty. I checked my sister and my parent's rooms but they were all sound asleep. I heard a creaking sound behind me in the hall, so I spun around quickly, my heart beating erratically in my chest. Nothing was there. I guess lack of sleep can do this to people.

I hurried back to my room, switched my light on, grabbed my iPod, put the buds in my ears, turned my music on and sat on my bed, leaning against the wall. That's what I did for the next 6 and a half hours. I was wide awake, yet tired at the same time. I didn't go to sleep at all. By the time morning had rolled around I felt like I was going to just shut down, but I forced myself to get ready for school. The last thing I wanted was to be in this creaky house alone all day, being tired. At least school will ware me out a bit.

Like a zombie I went through my morning routine. I lingered on the thought that maybe being so sad is what was preventing me from sleeping. I got too lost in it and the thoughts consumed me. I didn't want to feel like this though, nobody does. I wanted to be my usual self but I could even form a fake smile right now. It was like something had taken over and I was willingly letting it do so.

The walk to school was a long one and by the time I got there class had already started. It was like I was an auto-pilot. I barely paid attention to anything. I was quiet. I didn't participate in any school work which wasn't that odd for me, but it wasn't to be rebellious. It was because I didn't have the energy. Alex and Tay asked me a few times what was wrong but I shrugged it off and they soon forgot about it. I didn't want to seem weak by talking about how I feel, not to mention I wasn't sure why I was being like this. I just knew that I didn't want to exist right now. I felt like breaking down like I did yesterday, but I was too tired.

Soon enough my session with Vic rolled around and I let myself into his office like I usually do. He was already in there and looked up at me. I didn't take any notice of his facial expression. I just sat in the chair across for him, waiting patiently for the session to be over.

"Hey, Kellin. How are you feeling today?" he asked. Do the dark circles under my eyes, dishevelled hair and not give a fuck a fuck attitude about whatever uncoordinated clothes I picked out today not indicate that I'm not feeling that great? I didn't mention that though. Instead I shrugged as I stared at the surface of his desk.

"Coach McKinnon came to see me yesterday. He said he found you on the football field crying. Do you want to talk about that?" he asked.

"No," I said simply, keeping my gaze away from him.