Impulse (Published)

Twenty-One

She realized that her love for her professor was probably nothing more than a childish infacuation. She wasn't in love with him. She was in love with the thoughts that came with him.

Flashbacks of Disney Movies and Nicholas Sparks bookmade movies flashed through her brain as she wished to reach for his hand and clasp his. She longed for that love she had always witnessed as a young girl.

She wanted to be a princess but the truth was she wanted to be saved. She wanted to be rescued. But not from the dragon guarding her castle or from the evil stepmother. She wanted to be saved from herself.

From the demons that guarded her brain and her evil spirit haunting her every waking moment.

She wanted someone to see the life in her she thought had died as soon as the movies stopped rolling. The dream to be a princess failed to come the next night. And the love for herself dropped like petals from a flower.

I reread the chapter I posted on Wattpad which I never did. I never liked to read my work. Comments poured in- all questioning was the story an erotic love story or something more? Some complained that they had lost interest but by this point, I wasn't writing for them. I was writing for myself. I was writing to see if I had lost something in me?

When had I become so dependent on people? I, Marley Jane Winter did not depend on people. I didn't need people. I was always a happy child but now I wondered was I just a sadd teenager? I did not need a traumatic life changing experience to know that I wasn't happy.

The words I wrote in my novels were enough to prove that to me. Strength was attracted to strength and it went the same for weakness.

I did-however had a few readers who actually were in love with the new layout for my book.

Dear Author, why is she so troubled?

One of my readers asked me and I smiled bleakly to myself.

When I find out, you'll be the first to know.

Sage came over that night by surprise and at first I was relieved to see her face and then worried. Now a days, every time one of the girls and I would get together, they would drop a big bomb on me. So much was happening.

"SageEnraged." I whisper and the corners of her lips curve into a smile. "Hi Marley," She replies and steps in slowly.

"Are you okay?" I ask and she shrugs and walks past me to go up to my room.

I smile to myself as I felt a wave of nostaliga rush over me, this is how it used to be.

I walk up the stairs to follow her and find her laying eagle spread on my bed. "I wish doctors would understand what it's like to not want to eat." She says and I sit on my beanbag chair.

She was about to talk to me about her eating disorder.

She sits up and shakes her head in awe and runs her fingers through her hair. "They don't understand what it's like to not being able to eat. That your body because so equipped with the purging process that once you try to get better. You just vomit anyways. Or you feel full." She looks away from me and grabs a pillow, holding it like a person.

"I never thought I'd be a person to let society get to me. But it's so difficult when you look at these magazines that have the sexiest woman of the year and they're a size 3. Or when you watch the modeling shows and you have to be a certain weight. People broadcast that the only beauty or model worthy have to be a certain size. Then you see the very few shots of larger woman but it's not advocated. People don't fight for it. It's not awareness, it's not mainstream because it's not 'beautiful.'"